Insight Toward Lance's Query

When Lance axe a question, the World responds:

It only matters if you're allergic, I guess

Somebody googled the phrase "does it matter how much honey you put on the tree in diamond," and my column about trees falling in the woods was the top hit.

The funny part is, I have no idea whether it matters or not how much honey you put on the tree in diamond.

UPDATE - I was the third hit on the phrase "peanut shells pants."

E-85

"Cole, I told you that horse couldn't handle his ethanol!"

Oh, gag me.

With a spoon.

"Preppy is back in full swing," announced the Journal's fashion columnist Christina Binkley Thursday. "Not just the understated khakis-and-white-polo kind of preppy. This is a time of loud pink and lime -- for men."

Bible action figures!

Collect the whole set!

If you go to that webpage and click through (using the green arrows) to screen #3, it actually has Samson battling Goliath in a "mighty but not biblically correct" throwdown.

Reminds me of something ESPN did years ago - they used a computer program to pit NFL teams of different eras against each other, then "broadcast" the game using old footage. At one point, the announcer told us, Howie Long and Jack Lambert getting into a fight.

They both played defense. "Mighty but not correct" indeed.

Quotation Calendar

I have a calendar on my desk that gives a goofy quote every day. Here are some from July:

July 2, "Tony has a quick look between his legs and likes what he sees." - Horse racing announcer Stewart Machin, on jockey Tony McCoy.

July 3, "Host: Which First Lady was forced to flee the White House when the British invaded Washington, D.C., during the Revolutionary War? (Hint: She makes great snack cakes!)"

"Caller: Little Debbie?" - On the WQXI radio show 2 Live Stews, Atlanta, Georgia. (The correct answer, of course, is Dolly Madison; thanks to Mike Ramer.)

This one is doubly funny... During the Revolutionary War, Madison was not President, the White House was not even built, Washington was not the capital, and the British didn't invade the area.

July 6, "A Thursday story incorrectly quoted Councilman Stewrt Clifton as calling Mayor Bill Boner a 'squeeze-bag'. Clifton called Boner a 'sleeze-bag'." - From the Nashville (Tennessee) Banner

July 12, "A person shall not be treated as suffering from physical disablement such that he is either unable to walk or virtually unable to do so if he is not unable or virtually unable to walk with a prosthesis or an artificial aid which he habitually wears or uses or if he would not be unable or virtually unable to walk if he habitually wore or used a prosthesis or an artificial aid which is suitable in his case." - From a Department of Health and Social Services report, explaining mobility allowances for the disabled.

That'll Larn 'em

Albert Gore, Jr., Savior

The stars peer down upon the tiny blue spitball called Earth and shake their heads with a tut-tut here and a tsk-tsk there. Its ignorant unwashed masses are scurrying hither and yon in an apparent neurotic affect, charging like lemmings towards eternity's cliff.

There is hope, however. The mighty Albert Gore, Jr. has stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the ninth. The packed celestial crowd goes silent with deeply held breath. A few of the more puckish entities try to start a 'wave' but that's so yestereternity that no one's buying it.

With a count of two strikes... here comes the pitch... Albert swings mightily at the destructive sphere with his Adirondack, his homemade bat that he carved when lightning struck and split his cranium while counting his zinc mine royalties, and connects. It's a Live Earth Concert drive!

One announcer, the Bob Uecker of the Daily Mail, makes the call:

[...]Matt Bellamy, front man of the rock band Muse, has dubbed it 'private jets for climate change'.

A Daily Mail investigation has revealed that far from saving the planet, the extravaganza will generate a huge fuel bill, acres of garbage, thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions, and a mileage total equal to the movement of an army.

The most conservative assessment of the flights being taken by its superstars is that they are flying an extraordinary 222,623.63 miles between them to get to the various concerts - nearly nine times the circumference of the world. The true environmental cost, as they transport their technicians, dancers and support staff, is likely to be far higher.

The total carbon footprint of the event, taking into account the artists' and spectators' travel to the concert, and the energy consumption on the day, is likely to be at least 31,500 tonnes of carbon emissions, according to John Buckley of Carbonfootprint.com, who specialises in such calculations.

Throw in the television audience and it comes to a staggering 74,500 tonnes. In comparison, the average Briton produces ten tonnes in a year.

The concert will also generate some 1,025 tonnes of waste at the concert stadiums - much of which will go directly into landfill sites. [...]

It is certain that you DO have to break some eggs to make an omelette.

Gore has taken up the Eddie Matthews hitting technique... There's a long drive! It's hooking foul. Next pitch: Swing and a miss, strike three! Miller, Taryton, and Clark take you out to the park. Thank you, Earl Gillespie!

George Washington: Hostile & Derogatory

Alan Sears reports on Townhall.com:

Walter Kehowski feels a lot more like celebrating the Fourth of July, now that Thanksgiving is finally behind him. [...]

Kehowski teaches at a community college in Glendale, Arizona. Last fall, on the day before Thanksgiving, he decided, in the spirit of the holiday, to e-mail the other teachers in his district a copy of President George Washington’s brief “Thanksgiving Day Proclamation of 1789.” [...]

Besides, his e-mail contained no editorial comments, no mini-sermons: just the undiluted text of President Washington’s proclamation to the nation. Almost immediately, though, five of his district colleagues filed harassment charges against Kehowski, citing outrage at his "hostile” and "derogatory” message. Kehowski soon found himself on administrative leave, and on notice that his job would be terminated. [...]

Washinghitlerchimpyton!