Whatever you do...

...don't click this link. Reading the article this link leads to nearly made my head explode.

Whatever you do, don't tell my daughter!

Baraboo, Wis., scouted as potential site for Johnny Depp movie scene (link requires free registration):

Don't look now, but actor Johnny Depp could be showing up in this small Wisconsin city if producers settle on a downtown bank to film a crime by Depression-era robber John Dillinger, played by Depp.

Gene Dalhoff, executive director of the Baraboo Area Chamber of Commerce, said Universal Pictures contacted the group earlier this month, and a representative said Baraboo was among 20 communities in Wisconsin being scouted as potential filming locations for director Michael Mann's "Public Enemies."

Merlin Zitzner, CEO of Baraboo National Bank, said he got a call from a representative of Mann, saying the bank is being considered for filming a robbery.

Hey, maybe I could get her cast as a hostage, and they'll really take her with them!

On This Day in Christmas History

Al Gore, his omniscient Global Warmistas, and the haters of all things Christmas have something in common. Trouble is, they might be right.

The family Cervidae has recently named as notorious producers of global warming greenhouse gasses. The Scandinavian moose has been named as 'A Worst Offender.' Lance has recently accused the Wisconsin White-tailed Deer as a lesser, but far more numerous offender. However, through a recent scientific study, Reindeer are now known to be the worst flatulators. That's why they can 'fly'. Methane is lighter than air.

As the old, but real, Christmas story goes (the truth of which has been suppressed by corporations like Wal-Mart, the Bush administration, Christians, and other non-truthers),...

One Christmas many, many years ago, Santa had a reindeer named Fartzen. That year, while flying over Atlantis to deliver toys to all the good little Atlantian boys and girls, a reindeer named Marlburro lit a smoke just as Fartzen cut an extra-cheezy SBD. The subsequent fireball vaporized millions of Atlantians, opened a fault line in the Earth's crust causing the large land mass to sink, and the incumbent atmospheric warming caused the earth's oceans to rise 50 feet. Santa miraculously survived by having a two foot thick layer of blubber and by wearing a fireproofed suit. One of his many chins was forced upward protecting his face. He grew and still sports the beard to hide the burn scars.

To this day Santa Claus (von Stauffenberg) delivers toys, kitsch, underwear, ugly sweaters, and electronics not as a genuine act of altruism, but rather under the great onus of guilt for his murderous acts upon humanity and mother Earth.

That is the true story of modern secular Christmas. Al Gore and the seemingly ubiquitous Truthers deserve your support.

So, Happy Holidays, ignorant callous friends.

(I am well aware that with some Truthers this story might really catch on!)

Proposal from the Department of Defense:
Draft Grandpa

New Direction for the War on Terror

Subject: Drafting Guys over 60

'Send Prior Service Vets over 60’

Presently, the Armed Forces think those over 60 years of age are too old to track down terrorists. (One can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

This whole mindset is backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, the U.S. Military ought to take old guys. A prospect shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!'

The aged are impatient and maybe letting them kill some a----- that desperately deserves it will make them feel better and shut them up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like has already been said, 'They are tired and can't sleep and since they're already up, they may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b---.

If captured, the aged couldn't spill the beans because they've forget where they put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. They used to getting screamed and yelled at and like soft food. They've also developed an appreciation for guns. They've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

Training could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Those who have been in combat have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have they ever done any pushups after completing basic training. The Drill Sgt. could now scream, 'Get down and give me ... er ... ONE.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. No one has ever outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let the old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else put the mature on the border and they will have it secured the first night.

These old coots have long learned to appreciate and will fight for all benefits of living in America. Most young people take their blessings for granted.

(Adapted from the 554th MP Think Tank brainstormer Ted Sedlak.)

The Twelve Pains of Christmas

Polar Bears Perishing on Icebergs
Melting on the Vasty Deep,
I Didn't Fight Global Warming
Because I Wasn't a Polar Bear...

The Chicago Sun Times reports:

BRUSSELS, Wis. -- An ice fisherman became caught on floating ice of Lake Michigan's Green Bay Monday...

Now, if California would just break off and float into the Pacific...

Snowmen-Politically Incorrect

A quote from a University of Birmingham (UK) art historian Tricia Cusack:

The snowman is, of course, white and invariably male... [His] ritual location in the semi-public space of garden or field imaginatively reinforces a spatial social system, marking women's proper sphere as the domestic-private and men's as the commercial-public... It presents an image, however jocular, of a masculine control of public space... Like Father Christmas, he is round, fat and smiling, suggesting overindulgence. The classic carnival figure is a fat, lusty eater and drinker.

What would we do without academics?

But They Can Still Dig the Long Ball

Richard Gray, Science Correspondent at the Telegraph.com of the U.K. reports:

Women must stop admiring men who drive sports cars if they want to join the fight against global warming, the Government's chief scientist has urged.

And he singled out women who find supercar drivers "sexy", adding that they should divert their affections to men who live more environmentally-friendly lives.

Professor Sir David King said governments could only do so much to control greenhouse gas emissions and it was time for a cultural change among the British public.

What would we do without expert bureaucrats?

Diversity

Roger Kimball at Roger's Rules wishes you:

To My Democrat Friends:

Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low-stress, non-addictive, gender-neutral celebration of the winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasion and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all. I also wish you a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2008, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make America great. Not to imply that America is necessarily greater than any other country nor the only America in the Western Hemisphere. Also, this wish is made without regard to the race, creed, color, age, physical ability, religious faith or sexual preference of the wish.


To My Republican Friends:

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

With Supporters Like This...

Former Ambassador and associate of Dr. Martin Luther King, Andrew Young, recently spoke on behalf of Senator Hillary Clinton's run for the Presidency. His basic idea purported that Hillary's support system is far more solid than that of Senator Barack Obama. This fact, asserted Young, would allow Hillary to work her way through the obstacles and the 'sh*t' placed in the path of a leader. He made some pretty good points.

However, there was one particular statement that essentially inserted a stiletto between Mrs. Clinton's shoulder blades. Young's assertion that former President Bill Clinton was 'blacker' than Obama wasn't problematic before the all Black audience, but its corollary, that Mr. Clinton had probably 'gone with more Black women than Barack' was a major slap in the face of Mrs. Clinton. Although joking, Young rubbed salt in Hillary's personal wounds and negated his whole 'stronger support system' argument. How solid is a support system that is lead by a spouse famed for dalliances with interns and supposedly also with Black women?

Our Great Need for Progressive Leadership

Heather over at Hasenpfeffer Incorporated had this posted:



The Neo-Malthusian vanguard Progressives may view Southern Rednecks in this way, but this video could have been made about Christians and even Muslims. Only Progressive oligarchy can save us from the fate of reproductive dominance. Dennis Kucinich or Mike Gravel would make the best choices for salvation of human civilization and the planet.

The Mitchell Report

I have been listening to all the erudite analysis and commentary on the recent release of the Mitchell Report on performance enhancing drug usage in Major League Baseball. One of the major questions that has been batted around was whether or not any of these players would or should be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame. They all sound like little St. Peters debating whether or not these people should be allowed into heaven.

Perhaps the best way to really make progress on this issue is not only by better drug testing, but a class action lawsuit by paying fans and advertisers against the league, the union, and the players to recoup some of the money taken by cheaters and frauds.

Facts Only Get in the Way

While I was paying bills the other day with the radio on in the background, I heard an advertisement that asked, "Homos, do you want to reduce your high mortgage payments?"

I just flipped out and began another rant. "What? Is that company a subsidiary of Halliburton or something? Was it written by Karl Rove, directed by Dick Cheney, and underwritten by George Bush? And wouldn't Heteros want to lower their high payments, too?"

Linda walked up and slapped me upside the head. "They said 'homeowners', not 'homos' you idiot!"

"Homeowners? Oh,... Never mind!"

Is God a Man-made Invention?

Dinesh D'Sousa and Dr. Daniel Dennett held a debate concerning that question on November 30th at Tufts University. If you have a couple of spare hours to watch and listen... It's a dandy.

I could only hope that Presidential candidates could argue their ideas on issues in such a manner. OTOH, Presidential politics are relatively unimportant compared to whether or not one believes in God's existence.

However, post-debate analyses were very similar to those of the recent Presidential Candidate debates:

"D'Souza is a goddamned idiot." "Odious little toad." "D'Souza is full of s**t." "A smug, joyless twit." "Total moron." "Little turd." "Two-faced liar."

and

"I mean, in D'Sousa you got the first mainstream Asian-Indian-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy," Burri said.

Auto for Sale
Many Customized Features
One of a Kind

Customized maroon 1988 Olds Cutlass Ciera:


Neither Matt, the driver, nor Joe, the passenger, suffered any broken bones or burns. The facial lacerations shown on the earlier post were the only injuries.


Here is the interior view of the dashboard and front window from where the driver's seat used to be. It was broken from its moorings during the crash, probably helping to save Matt from being crushed.


"Chief, KAOS agents missed 'em by 'that much'."

This Day in Burri History
December 7th, 1941

-John Alfred Burri (Great Grandpa John) marries Julia Florence Hauser.

-John's brothers, David Burri and Fred Burri, both U.S. Navy enlisted personnel stationed in Pearl Harbor, were out to sea on their respective aircraft carriers when Pearl was attacked. Both survived the war.

Something I'd Like to See

I'd like to see the White House call a press conference with a twist in the rules. During this conference White House representatives such as Dick Cheney, Karl Rove, and someone like Tony Snow would ask questions of specific members of the White House press corps.

Precambrian Humor

How many evolutionists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. Given enough time the light bulb will change itself.

More Victims of Global Warming

Man-made Climate Change interfered with the car's navigation system. It careened off the road in rural Adams County, rolled, landed on its top, started on fire, and exploded. CSI-Gore is investigating.

Matt, the driver, couldn't manually overcome the influences of 'The Climate Change Effect.'



Joe, the only passenger, kicked out a rear window to escape as the car's roof had collapsed.

The moral of the story: Seatbelts save lives- Again.

"You weenies. I've had bigger injuries on my eyeball and didn't even blink."

"Yes, I Chewed, But I Did Not Swallow."

Plebian reveals how nasty the Democrat Presidential Primary is becoming. It's gettin' kinda like having a colonoscopy while undergoing a root canal and passing a kidney stone the size of Sputnik.

Caprice

Published in LiveScience on June 29, 2005:

Since the late 1960s, much of the North Atlantic Ocean has become less salty, in part due to increases in fresh water runoff induced by global warming, scientists say. Now for the first time researchers have quantified this fresh water influx, allowing them to predict the long-term effects on a "conveyor belt" of ocean currents.

Published in NewScientist on August 23, 2007:

The surface waters of the North Atlantic are getting saltier, suggests a new study of records spanning over 50 years. And this might actually be good news for the effects of climate change on global ocean currents in the short-term, say the study's researchers.

I'm sooo confused.

Global Warming Crisis
Democrats Hardest Hit

Dr. Ellen Weber explains the rise and popularity of the modern Democrat base:

It seems that colder climates created bigger brains that adapted to cope with cold, but some scientists now fear that global warming trends could be reversing this evolution. Who’d have thought smaller human brains would be a result of warmer climates?