Spontaneous Combustion of Graveyard Corpses Rocks Wisconsin Town

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"We contacted the White House to request the Navy Corpsemen to investigate."

Janesville, WI (BNS)- A cemetery in the small Southern Wisconsin city of Janesville has experienced the paranormal phenomenon of spontaneous combustion among its inhabitants. Several graves can be seen bursting into smokey flames for no apparent reason causing neighbors, grave keepers, wildlife, and nearby resting-in-peacers great astonishment.

When questioned, the Chief Cemeterian, Quincy Stonebread, could only reason that these individual corpses had originally requested cremation rather than burial and were finally getting their final wish. Stonebread also stated that he contacted the White House to request that the Navy Corpsemen be called in to investigate. He was told that the Corpsemen were presently otherwise called to emergencies in several other of the 57 states, but would travel by the intercontinental railroad to Janesville as soon as possible.

An agitated crowd began to assemble around the fences of the cemetery. Along with the pitchforks and torches, many also carried crosses, mirrors, wooden stakes, garlic, and anti-zombie AR-15 assault rifles.

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