Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Lab Recommends Estrogen

My lab researchers are industrious professionals. The data that we collect and the conclusions drawn have proven to be valuable aids in areas outside of their original applications. Therefore, most of these scientists also contract as consultants to a wide ranging variety of organizations. In reality, it has been the largest single economic support for the work that we do here.

Our most lucrative client thus far has been a man named Karlos Roveno, a bespectacled Mexican-American with a long mustache, goatee, a very bad toupee, sombrero, serape, and ammo belts slung over both shoulders. Some of the most conspiratorial theorists among us think this persona may be a ruse.

Karlos' latest consulting request was to find a possible way to get George W. Bush elected in 2008 by getting around certain troublesome Constitutional idiocyncrasies and still garnering enough votes from a disgruntled conservative populace. While working on this problem for Senor Roveno the lab's coffee consumption sorely tested its budget. I also suspect that the lab's store of certain botanicals, mycological samples, and exotic chemicals have also been somewhat depleted.

Since we suspected that Karlos had some connection with government we produced a 1,673 page report, in triplicate. It basically suggested that George W. Bush get a psuedo-sex change operation and run in 2008 as Georgetta Walkerina Bush. Our studies show that this would be Constitutionally acceptable, but more importantly, would receive the 'pro-same sex marriage' vote and the 'we want a woman for president' vote. Statistical analysis proved that this was more than enough of a boost to overcome any Conservative voter malaise.

When receiving the report and its abstract, Karlos Roveno exclaimed, "Ay, caramba!... La cucaracha!... Que Pelosiosa*!" "I can't wait to tell Ricardo Cheniquez!" Our accountant took our cheque grande to el banco.

Shortly after leaving, Senor Rovero returned with another check. He told us that it was a tip for the results of our work for him on subliminal suggestion. He said that our machine that produced alpha-omega rays worked exactly as our research had shown that it would. This device was designed to overcome the protective effects of tinfoil hats and actually instill in their wearers ideas so irrational that only moonbats could think or speak them with serious, anger contorted faces. He presented a short list of targets; Rosie O'Donnell, Harry Reid, Michael Moore, Sean Penn, and John Edwards were on the list.

As he left a second time, he said in his best Ahnold impersonation, "I'll be bach, y'all are doing el trabajo de Dios!"

Image by Lugosi

(*We were not familiar enough with the word to translate Pelosiosa. Through parsing our best understanding of this little used word was 'Pelosi, the sow bear'.)

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