Forget the Condom

Get a Hazmat suit.

Doug Giles:

Look, if I were a teenager today I would not be sexually active. The reason being? Well, I’d like to say it would be solely motivated because I was “on fire” for God, but I’d be lying. It would be because I wouldn’t want to be “on fire” with a festering, cauliflowered, pus-laden, reoccurring sore showing up on my wedding tackle for the rest of my life. But that’s just me.

Tenacity

In a few minutes, the 133rd Preakness will begin at Pimlico. Big Brown is the heavy favorite. According to my calculations, a two dollar bet on him would win two dollars and three cents.

The call for 'riders up' has just been issued.

I have it on good authority that Hillary Clinton has predicted a win by Eight Belles who was euthanized after the Kentucky Derby. That girl will just never give up.

UPDATE: Big Brown wins by 2-1/2 miles. He did his end zone dance and drank a six pack before the second place finisher came in. And by the time Tres Borrachos came in, there were cuatro borrachos.

Nuancitation

Most often it requires special skills to decipher the the nuances of meaning in statements made by the erudite. Fortunately for the millions of readers of this blog I have such skills.

I have started reading The Devil's Delusion by David Berlinski. In chapter 3, Berlinski says of another academic,

He is a member in good standing of the worldwide fraternity of academics who are professionally occupied in sniffing the underwear of their colleagues for signs of ideological deviance.

It may be surprising to some that Berlinski is subtly criticizing the other professor.

Thankfully, most of the rest of David Berlinski's critiques are not quite as nuanced.

Whoa!

Australia is known for its many oddities. Beyond that, many of its nonhuman critters are pretty strange, too.



This beast is known euphemistically as the 'Hercules Moth.' The zoologists and entymologists in our secret basement laboratory know it as the 'Aztec Moth.' It is known to carry away very small children. Upon those who are a bit too large to carry off, this insect will tear out the heart while it is still beating and carry it off. Apparently this is what the Aztec is attempting in the above picture.

Eureka!

I suspect that Casual Fridays in our secret basement laboratory are a little different than those in other offices. Lab coats, protective aprons, and all the regular safety gear are still required. (Under the lab coats, however, are subject to speculation.)

Casual Fridays in our lab request that teams of scientists, technicians, cafeteria workers, and janitorial engineers attempt to prove extraordinary theories. The only requirement is the use of a working computer model.

This week's place and show ribbon winners were 'The Moon Really is Made of Green Cheese' and 'Dick Cheney Killed Kennedy.' Congratulations to those teams for compiling reams of data that will automatically place them as nominees for the next Nobel Peace Prize.

The winner of our contest, however, is titled 'No Explanation Necessary.' The following charts conclude the 'research' summary:








Superimpose these charts and you will be stunned. The AlGorophiles are right. The Bushhitleristas... bingo!

In 1945, Hitler married Eva Braun and was a 'lame Kraut.' In 2007, Bush married off his daughter, Jenna, and was a 'lame duck.' In both cases, global warming crises were forestalled.

Computers are a wonderful tool, especially when you keep in mind the old geek adage, "GIGO," Garbage In, Gospel Out.

Coyote Consensus

Mac Johnson parodies global warming experts:

Communities east of Los Angeles have seen a spate of “attacks” by coyotes against children playing menacingly in local parks and yards.[...]

“This is the coyote’s land... “Before the white man stole their natural resources and pitted them against other animals in a colonialist scheme to control nature, coyotes were matriarchical pacifists living ‘off the grid’ in sustainable vegan ecovillages,” he added. “We changed that. The chickens have now come home to roost.”[...]

“Climate Change is driving these animals to act in ways they’ve never acted before. 2007 was one of the three warmest years since 2004. Is it a coincidence that these attacks are now on the upswing?”

“This fits a pattern of other strange natural events that my group, Anecdotes without Borders, has been documenting for years,” said Dreamer-Berkowicz. “Less ice in some places, heavier snowfall in others. Droughts in one year, followed by greater-than-average rains the next. Hurricanes and cyclones are happening annually. Now the coyotes have joined their voices to the chorus of signals that the planet is in peril. Oh, when will we sign Kyoto?”[...]

O’thority had these hints and suggestions for locals...

-“Remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them. It may seem like they’re chewing on your daughter’s head, but that’s just a fear response.”

-“Remember that the attack is probably your fault. Try to think of what you did to provoke it and apologize before your lips are eaten.”

-“Don’t leave food out or open any windows in your home if it contains food. Also, keep your garbage locked in your car until garbage day. Food and food smells are just one of the many ways we bring these attacks on ourselves.”

-“A recent 3-year, $640,000 study, paid for by the state, indicates that children may be attacked more frequently because they are smaller than adults. If attacked, try to make your child seem as large as possible.”[...]

Earl Armstrong, a local redneck... “Well, people used to shoot ‘em.”... "Basically, people got soft.”

Denier!

If Life Gives You Lemons...

We had a very hard winter and a rainy spring, but...

There's some fungus amongus.

The Morel of the story: Eat your heart out, Grandpa John, AMATEUR mycologist!

McCain v. Obama?

Any questions?

(H.T. Obama Watch.)

Word to the Wise

If The Golden Bear wants to play through, The Golden Bear plays through!

(Photo from Doug Ross.)

Bob Gorrell

I would also be pleased if Mr. Gorrell had used the phrase 'So... where can I find an answer to this current energy crisis?' and used this picture on which to seat the bedraggled Uncle Sam:

(From HowStuffWorks.)

Or the picture of a bedraggled taxpaying voter thinking, "So... what is the proper response to the ever expanding Leftist ideology in Washington?" (Metaphorically, of course!)

(From HowStuffWorks.)

I Believe That Children Are Our Future

Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside
Give them a sense of pride to make it easier
Let the children's laughter remind us how we used to be.
(written by Michael Masser and Linda Creed)

"Don't trust anyone over 5."

"No prison can hold ME."

"I'm, like, way cool, dude."

"He ain't big enough to make me a Dan'l Boone cap yet?"

"Mmmm... tastes like chicken."

Barack Obama
Uber-Patriot

Many commenters have made quite an issue of Senator Obama's refusal to wear an American flag pin on his lapel. Many seem to feel that Mr. Obama is unpatriotic even though his wife, Michelle, has finally expressed patriotic pride in being an American.

How willfully blind and quick to jump to spinning conclusions. The truth of the matter is that Barack Hussein Obama is an uber-patriot.

Back in 2007, after he realized that 10,000 hard working Americans were killed in Kansas by a global warming induced tornado, Barack decided to make a difference.

The Senator, soon to be President, is hatching a secret plan to help keep the unwashed American masses safe. Although poorly understood in its implementation, he has chosen to annex other parts of the world to increase American standing within the international community.

7 to 10 other nations are in his sights. Although Senator Obama has not specified which nations are soon to be annexed, he was direct in his disclosure. Also shown in this link is the lapel pin that Barack will soon be wearing with American uber-patriotic pride.

Obama's cohort in imperialism, William Ayers, helped plant the seeds for this national defense tactic back in 2001. Mr. Ayers' love of country also has been misrepresented egregiously. He was only performing the funeral for the simple 50 star American flag.

Some in my secret basement laboratory speculate that the nations to be annexed will be nations of color. The Reverend Jeremiah Wright, Obama cabinet member, is expected to head evangelization of them with his people-of-color liberation gospel as they have already been long oppressed by past Amerikkkan foreign policy.

Barack, you da man... wid da plan!

The potatoe lives!

Photo by Andy Green
(Obama is on the left)