Steve

The Hardee's Monster Thick Burger segues perfectly to my next set of incoherent thoughts-- dead bodies.

One of my favorite television dramas is the original CSI. I also watch documentaries like Forensic Files, Cold Case Files, The System, etc. CSI adds a little Hollywood drama and personality to the criminal investigation scenarios. The scientific advancements are truly remarkable. After sitting in the evidence room for 27 years, the match stick and flatulence residue found in the maple leaf's pallisade parenchymal layer are now proof positive that Professor OldWhig killed Colonel Pterodactyl in Grandpa John's parlor with a Lance. (A slick defense lawyer and a 'feeling' jury exonerated him from the murder, but he was still sentenced to life in prison for being politically incorrect.)

One quirk in CSI's set up has always bothered me, though. The investigators always find the body in its 'pristine' deceased condition. It is still floating in the pool, in its position as posed by the sociopath, or face down in its own pool of blood. My problem is this: Doesn't any regular citizen who ever finds a body either know or use CPR?

If I had found such a body, it would be CSI's biggest nightmare. I would touch the body! I'd check for breathing and pulse! I'd roll the victim over, blow in his mouth, rip open his shirt and mash his ribcage into mush if need be (being careful to avoid hepatic laceration via the xyphoid!). Then, after the victim was pronounced 'dead', CSI could have him. After they separated out all my finger and footprints, sweat, saliva, mucus of various consistencies, hair, clothing fibers, and presumably, vomit, then they would be left with the remaining evidence to solve the crime. So, let's see how good you are now, hotshots.

For your information, my record for CPR (without a defibrillator) is 0-2.

Due to the popularity of CSI and its two spawnings, Miami and NY, along with the political climate of these times, I would expect another series that bases upon CSI to spring forth; CSI-PETA.

As the Democrats have lost political clout in both the executive and legislative branches, their members on the left of Michael Moore (We seldom see them 'cause Moore's girth blocks our view of them from the right.) emerge with even greater fury. 'The earthquakes, tsumanis, and mudslides are good, America is bad.' They even have been known to eat their own, i.e. Apple Computer and Steve Jobs. However, above and beyond all this and whatever else that may grit their gallbladders, here comes Hardee's and its MTB. Oh, my! Oh, my! Multioligopolyoffensiveness. Hardee's and its customers are committing egregious crimes against Mother Nature and Mother Earth. This conspicuous consumption and opulence of these capitalists is offensive to all. There are people starving in Somalia as well as the peoples struck by the tsumanis. (One MTB could feed a family of six for a full week!) They have murdered innocent cattle and hogs. They have stolen milk from the mouths of defenseless calves. They have not obeyed the instruction of their erudite betters concerning physical health and rejected tofu and bulgar wheat meals. And perhaps the worst crime committed is that the beef in the burger is not only Angus beef, but Black Angus beef, subjecting it to hate crime legislation.

The new CSI-PETA series, with stars like Barbra Streisand, Meryl Streep, Al Franken, and many of the election emigrants returning from Canada would heroically investigate this horrendous criminal conspiracy and convict all involved. The Earth's streets (or bicycle paths) would be safe again for all sentient life. The American capitalists would all be re-educated to walk in the worthy way. The Earth again is in harmony. We are saved! Hallelujah! The series' themesong would be, "I'd like to teach the World to sing... In perfect harmony. I'd like to prove the U.S. a joke... now under the U.N.'s army."

Mmmm! A Hardee's Monster Thickburger sounds pretty good about now! I'll enjoy the crime and will do the time.