It is generally considered good public relations policy to occasionally help the poor. So that is exactly what the other members of our think tank and I intend to do here. We desire to help out the poorest of the poor; the Democratic Party.

The present status of the Party is one of extreme paucity of ideas. As the squeaky wheels, the loudest of the self-righteous belligerents, spew their vacuous venom, the expectations for gains in the House, Senate, or the Presidency dwindle well below the poverty line. It is becoming increasingly difficult to sway and hold slack-jawed voters with heady claims of Utopia-via-the-esoteric-elite versus the-end-is-coming-soon-if-Bush-and-his-minions-are-allowed-their-way-another-minute. Even as our culture is flooded with relativity and post-modernism, words are still often expected to mean something tending toward the concrete. High sounding words such as justice and compassion are supposed to have more content than gaseous molecules violently vibrating vocal cords and tympanic membranes with the subsequent impulses traveling along the auditory nerve, stimulating neural production of endorphins that produce the characteristic euphoric self-esteem, and sending out auto-erotic pheromones arousing members of the same sub-species.

Progress will be extremely difficult. Envisioning ideas, public reasoning for their acceptance, implementing them, and having them respond with measurable success in the real world requires much intellectual and physical labor and patience.

Unfortunately for the Democrats that is following somewhat of the same path as President Bush. In many important areas he has used this formula through the implementation aspect and seems to be having palpable success. The Democrats’ dilemma is two-fold. First, they are way behind in that they have yet to envision many ideas to contribute to their growth. Second, they cannot allow George Bush to receive any credit.

While this think tank cannot offer much assistance to the Democrats in their brainstorming, we do know how they can short shrift Bush in accolades. They must come out in enthusiastic support of the teaching of Intelligent Design in the public schools. This strategy, if implemented, will offer two highly effective aces in their holes. First, they will gain much needed support from the toothless, knee-jerk religious right in elections. Second, and most importantly, they will be able to proclaim that any success in the policies of George W. Bush was simply the Providential acts of the Designer in spite of Bush’s ineptitude.

And you are very welcome, Mr. Dean.