There are some philosophical/scientific/religious questions that, although extremely important, resist adequate answers. One in particular has puzzled my cerebral cortex for decades. Does a tube of toothpaste ever really empty? My experience seems to indicate that, no matter how flat that tube becomes, one can always get one more toothbrush load from it. Our pragmatic lifestyles usually cause us to throw this tube away and open a new one. By doing this, are we wasting toothpaste, depleting limited world resources, and contributing to the destruction of the planet? The United States, while populated by only a small percentage of the earth's population, uses a disproportionate amount of toothpaste resources. Greedy toothbrush manufacturers produce large headed toothpaste guzzling bristles. There is a significant moral dilemma here. Shall we continue to allow this destructive capitalist consumerism or shall we regulate the toothpaste industry for the sake of the children?

Precociously realizing the gravity of this conundrum at a very young age, I have taken to research aimed at finding a solution in order to help save the planet. I have been working on a tube of Ipana that I've had since 1962. I've squeezed the tube with my fingers, rolled up the tube, used a pair of pliers, and placed the tube in a vice. To this day I am still getting toothpaste out of it. (I do not brush my teeth with it anymore since the paste is now colored greenish-brown and emanates the odor of aged armadillo road kill.) One thing I know for sure, the truism as stated in the hit movie sci-fi thriller, Bathroom Park, "Toothpaste will find a way."

This situation has led to further considerations. Is there a nuclear or chemical reaction within the tube continually producing more? Is the toothpaste actually alive and reproducing itself? If so, is it sexual or asexual reproduction? Is toothpaste in a tube the very definition of 'infinity'? If so, does that make it god? If so, how does toothpaste effect human behavior? What kind of toothpaste do conservatives use? Liberals? Communists and dictators? Are there extra-terrestrials involved?

This quest has also led to some other possible political ramifications, as well. Does toothpaste have Constitutional rights? Does being violently spat down the sink violate these rights? Is labelling toothpaste 'a decay preventive dentifrice' a disparging, politically incorrect abuse? I will try to contact Anthony Kennedy to help answer some of those questions.

Now... about toilet paper...