Saturday, November 19, 2005

Congress Swallows the 'Poison Pill'

After considerable congressional investigation, it became clear that professional sports was not able to control its members' usage of performance enhancing drugs. Congress, wanting to make a difference and save our culture from this menace, acted swiftly. Identical Anti-P.E.D. bills were introduced in both the House and the Senate. The House passed the measure with its amendments quickly. The usually slow moving Senate was not far behind. The measure was deemed acceptable and the amendments were being read and voted on.

"Amendment #1. Be it resolved that the Pacific Ocean shall hereforth be named the Pelo Sea." Voice vote pass.

"Amendment #2. Be it resolved that the term for the female of the dog breed, Boxer, be named Queen instead of Bitch." Voice vote pass. (Not by greater numbers, but by sheer volume and shrillness.)

"Amendment #3. Be it resol... "

Senator Kerry broke in, "Mr. Chairman, I motion that the amendments be passed en masse. The lives of our children are at stake and we cannot delay this measure."

"I second the motion," slurred Senator Kennedy, "The rain forest is nearly destroyed and the ozone layer nearly depleted." (And besides, both of my hip flasks are almost empty.)

Voice vote pass.
As the legislation reached the president's desk, he mused, "I think I will veto this inane crap."

Karl Rove spoke up, "Mr. President... no. We set it up exactly this way. If you read the last two amendments, you will see couched within the Latin phrases and high moral tone that the whole of Congress and their staffers are subject to this law. And so are all members of the mainstream press."

"Karl, please hand me that pen."
Washington D.C. was in an uproar.

A spokesperson for The Washington Post stated, "Why, they can't do that! Haven't they heard of the First Amendment? Freedom of the press? It's in the Constitution that we can do anything we want!"

Senator Kerry was overheard saying, "They can't do that, I have diplomatic immunity! I'm calling the French Consulate immediately!"

"Eeyahh, eeyahIs Scotch on the list?" staggered Teddy. "No matter, I ain't takin' no pee test."

"No problem, sir," replied a D.O.J. representative, "We can get a sample of your urine from any corner of the Capitol Building."
"Mr. President?"

"Yes, Karl?"

"May I go home to let my dog out?" "Then I will need to take the bitc... er.. queen for a walk in the park and play catch. Say, you don't happen to have a ball we can use, do you?"

"No, I don't, but maybe one of the Republican Senators.... Oh, wait... No, I know for sure they don't have any balls."

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