Friday, December 09, 2005

Clostridium botulinum and the Type A Personalities of Leftists

Recently I was afforded the opportunity to attend a small conference at UW-Madison Hospital with several nationally prominent neurologists and epileptologists to discuss the newest information concerning anomalous encephalic function in traumatic brain injury and disease. During a lull in the action, I noticed that the doctor across the table was from Boston. With hopes of stirring up some action among these staid professionals I said, "You know, I've always thought that Senator Kerry was a goober, but, lately it appears to me that he is suffering from rapidly advancing symptoms of Spongioform Encephalopathy." (Little did I know that mentioning 'Mad Cow Disease' to a neurologist was like waving a red towel before a bull.)

Dr. Brinson glared at me for a moment, then exploded out of his chair like a private snapping to attention at the approach of an officer sending his high-backed chair slamming against the conference room windows. There was a brief, deafening silence (that seemed like hours) as all eyes fixed upon the good doctor. I can remember struggling to hold off wetting myself and wishing that 'concealed carry' had passed into law.

Suddenly his countenance changed from rage to fear as he buried his now sobbing face into his hands and exclaimed, "But... it wasn't my fault!" He blew his nose on his suitcoat sleeve and continued, "I was preparing to inject botox to smooth the Senator's 'crow's feet' when he suddenly sat up and said, "Doctor, did you know that I was a Vietnam hero?" As he did this the needle... one of the long ones introduced to suit women's widening horizons... plunged through his ocular orbit and into his left frontal lobe and the whole syringe of Botox A was injected there. Everything seemed okay for about three days and then he just lost all abilities for rational thought. That was in September and it appears to be irreversable."

Another doctor from San Francisco, I didn't catch his name, gasped, "Dr. Brinson, I'm so glad you said that! I was treating Senator Boxer and..."

"Durbin, too!" screamed a doctor from Chicago.

The confessions continued for several minutes with some very heavy Democrat name dropping.

"What about Teddy Kennedy?" I yelled into the melee. All eyes were again directed at Brinson.

He chuckled for a moment and said, "Kennedy? That's self-inflicted Bourbonic Plague!"

This time, I did wet my pants and had to leave the Catharsis Conference, but I realized that I had learned a great deal about the Democratic Party and its aberrant neural functioning.


tee bee said...

Didn't Dante ascribe a certain ring of hell for punners?

Kennedy may not have water on the brain, but he's certainly the cause of at least one young woman's encephalitis.

Steve said...

Living in Boston, perhaps the good doctor is already there.

Speaking of puns... I read your comment as I was watching Lord of the Rings-- Two Towers. Whatsisname evil guy says to Eowin, "The walls of your bower are closing in on you." Timely, very timely.