Friday, July 28, 2006

In the Year 2020
A Grandpa John's Exclusive

I make no claims to have heard, 'Thus saith the LORD', nor have 'crossed over' with the demons of a Nostradamus, nor have the on screen presence of Barbara Walters. I have, however, read fortune cookies and have located Al Gore's mathematical formula used to insert selected historical, scientific data to prove the coming enviromental apocalypse.

Using Gore's complex formula along with my 89 cent Wal Mart calculator, I have been able to plug in data from other sociopolitical trends and now feel confident that the world situation in the year 2020 can be accurately predicted. (That is, if life on this planet survives that long.)

In the political realm of 2020, Hillary Clinton will have overcome her intimidating sexual power and will be ready to be elected President. Sharon Stone will still trying to be sexy and her movies will be big hits in nursing homes. She will have had so many 'tummy tucks' that, at certain camera angles, her pubic hair will appear to be a goatee.

John Kerry will have a plan and could do better. In this he has never flip-flopped.

The Democratic Party will have been taken over by the far Leftists in the likeness of Daily Kos, Huffpo, and the Democratic Underground. Howard Dean will still be heading the Party and will somehow have become even more strangely bizarre. By 2020 they may have already undergone a name change to the 'Saviors of the Dying World Party'. Party members' speech will have evolved to such a high level that normal patterns in print would look something like this: "@#*&@!#+~bushitler@$&%^!*@#!!!!" In more traditional dialect, the speech would resemble this: "F-ing Stalin, Castro, and f-ing Chavez were too f-ing conservative!" Many Democratic men will experience periodic endometrial slough, suffer severe bloating, and PMS. Cindy Sheehan will be camping out along the road in Crawford, Texas.

Congress will be hotly debating immigration reform.

Universal health care will be a great success in the United States. Life expectancy will be 55 for American men and 56 for women. The death rate while waiting in line will be 18%.

The life expentancy for thin smokers will surpass that of obese non-smokers, which will exceed that of health nuts. Health nuts' deaths will mostly be due to accidental deaths while primping in full length mirrors or watching videos of themselves while driving.

The New York Times will blame Bush and Christians for all the evil that inexplicably still remains. Their mission statement will have changed from 'All the news that's fit to print' to 'All our fits make news to print'. Both readers laud the changes.

Barry Bonds will still be investigated by a grand jury. An indictment will be predicted. Brett Favre will decide to play one more year. George Foreman will be making a comeback in the ring. The Yankee's payroll will exceed 87 Billion dollars. The Cubs will have won a World Series. (Who says that cheap calculators don't have a sense of humor?)

Madison, Wisconsin will have instituted its 'smart growth' policies. Its entire population has been herded into condos inside a 'Mall of America' style high-rise covering only one square mile within the city. The Madison Mall also houses schools, hospitals, shops, and gang-banger areas. A farting ban has been instituted for the sake of public health. The only citizens not required to live in the Mall are the mayor, councilpersons, and members of Progressive Dane.

The University of Wisconsin Chancellor, Kevin Barrett has appointed Ward Churchill to head the Social Sciences Department and Deborah Frisch to the top post in Health Sciences.

The Badgers win National Championships in football, basketball, track, cross-country, wrestling, and hockey. (Who says cheap calculators can't dream big?)

There are many other scenarios that can be scientifically predicted with certainty using Al Gore's infallible formula. However, the battery on my cheap calculator has run out of juice and it will take me until the year 2020 to save enough money to pay the hazardous waste disposal fee in order to replace it with a new one costing $1.89.

1 comment:

Al said...

You know, Walmart calculators only use electicity derived from oil porduced by Exxon.