Thursday, October 26, 2006

Michael J. Rat Supports
Embryonic Stem Cell Research

Much of the critique of embryonic stem cell research contains the assertion that there are zero successes through this therapy relative to that of adult stem cells. That is not entirely true, however.

The Red Chinese have been working feverously on this research with mixed results as have the radical Islamists who are trying to increase the number and ferocity of jihadists.

In my basement laboratory, we have also been working on this for years. Until now I've had to do this important work in secret. Being a former member of PETA, I feared for the safety of my family, fellow researchers, as well as myself. But, now, during the present controversy, I feel compelled to release my results.

My studies have all been done on rats, but I believe that with slight modification these results can easily be duplicated in humans.

In preparation for my testing I spent years developing three separate strains of rat; homosexual, liberal, and conservative. The homosexual rat strain was easy to discern, but difficult to repopulate. Artificial insemination of lesbian rats was required.

The identification of the liberal and conservative populations initially proved more difficult. At one point, however, it finally became a simple matter. The conservative elements of the population worked hard, took care of their own families, and learned to run mazes quickly. The liberal population formed a commune, or kibbutz, and did a lot of rat-whining while raiding the fruits of the conservatives' labors.

We were then able to begin our embryonic stem cell research. We extracted the stem cells from conservative rat embryos and began therapies on the other two populations.

Very quickly the homosexual population began exhibiting signs of heterosexual behaviors. All 'pawing' practices soon stopped. After three months of therapy, 97.6% had become fully heterosexual. We suspected, also, that the other 2.4% may have been similarly changed, but their raucous complaints did not allow us to conclude their switch. This population grew so quickly that we now have two lab cats that weigh over 36 pounds.

The therapies tested on the liberal rats proved total failures. After several trials the liberal rats increased in whining, urinated and defecated all over themselves and others. Following a few more injections, they began refusing water and the Purina Rat Chow, prefering their own bodily excretions. Most pregnancies were aborted and the population dwindled. Most indicated a desire to move to Hindu portions of India, where they expected to be worshiped according to their due. We refused, since we didn't want to be accused of shipping jobs overseas.

Unfortunately, we have not yet made progress with the treatment of rat diseases with embryonic stem cells. Like other studies, these tests had to be terminated because the tested populations all developed tumors. However, we have obtained some good results with adult rat stem cells.

Our favorite test subject, named Michael J. Rat, was developed both as a liberal and homosexual rat. His therapy not only turned him to heterosexuality, but also ran counter to the results on the other liberal test subjects. He became a conservative, upstanding, and productive member of rat society.

Obviously, Michael J. cannot vote in support of the controversial embryonic stem cell research to be funded by the federal government. He did confide in us, however, that the Democrat Party has contacted him and promised him at least 2 or 3 votes.

We all assured Michael J. that we would support a bill that outlawed the use of garbage to fuel Dr. Brown's Flux Capacitor upgrade. Michael J. Rat feared that such an 'advance' would threaten the livelihood of his progeny.

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