Atomic Moral Authority

Reprinted from The Nose on Your Face: News so fake you'll swear it came from the mainstream media

Dems Discover Spokeswoman With Super-Ultimate Moral Authority

Apparently encouraged by the successes they have enjoyed in the arena of political discourse via Shawnessithopia such sympathetic spokespeople as Michael J. Fox and Cindy Sheehan, Democratic officials have taken the notion a step further. TNOYF has learned that the DNC has found an individual with credentials so impeccable, so heart-wrenching, that even the most neo of neocons have reported wiping away a tear upon hearing her tale.

The object of the Democrat's affection is none other than Shawnessithopia Eleanor Rodriguez who, for starters, is an openly gay displaced Katrina victim of tri-racial descent who lost quintuplets in Iraq. But Ms. Rodriguez brings much more to the table.

"She has everything we look for in a Democratic advocate," said party spokesman Nelson Fitzwater. "HIV positive? Check. Homeless? Check. Atheist? Check. Left-handed, vegan, uninsured, senior citizen? Check, check, check and check. Cindy and Michael will always have a place in our party, but quite honestly there isn't much of a need for them any longer. Shawnessithopia will truly allow us to streamline our services."

Upon hearing the news, CNN, MSNBC and several other mainstream news networks announced a major shift in their programming.

"We've decided to go with 24-hour a day, 7-day a week all-Shawnessithopia programming," stated ABC News producer James Pinkerton. "It will actually just be a picture of Ms. Rodriguez atop a list of her credentials while dirges play in the background. Think of it as a liberal 'Yule Log'."

For her part Cindy Sheehan has not taken the intrusion of, in her words, "this upstart spokes-skag" lying down. TNOYF has received reports that Ms. Sheehan is in the preliminary stages of adopting an entire AIDS-riddled African village and encouraging them to enlist for combat duty in the Army in an effort to boost her sagging moral authority quotient.

Buckley F. Williams