Thursday, December 14, 2006

Naval History
From the U.S.S. Yorktown to
the U.S.S. Ronald Reagan to
the U.S.S. Bill Clinton

Rossputin outlines the most recent changes in the modern U.S. Navy--
'Accelerate Your Life.'

U.S.S. Yorktown
Grandpa Jerry's Ship (I think he was the Admiral)

The Yorktown picking up Apollo 8

U.S.S. Ronald Reagan


* Top speed exceeds 30 knots, powered by two nuclear reactors that can operate for more than 20 years without refueling
* Expected to operate in the fleet for about 50 years
* Carries over 80 combat aircraft
* Three arresting cables can stop a 28-ton aircraft going 150 miles per hour in less than 400 feet

U.S.S. Bill Clinton

"The ship is the first of its kind in the Navy and is a standing legacy to President Bill Clinton "for his foresight in military budget cuts" and his conduct while president. The ship is constructed nearly entirely from recycled aluminum and is completely solar powered with a top speed of 5 knots. It boasts an arsenal comprised of one (unarmed) F14 Tomcat or one (unarmed) F18 Hornet aircraft which although they cannot be launched or captured on the 100 foot flight deck, but form a very menacing presence.

As a standing order there are no firearms allowed on board. The 20 person crew is completely diversifi ed, including members of all races, creeds, sex, and sexual orientation. This crew, like the crew aboard the USS Jimmy Carter, is specially trained to avoid conflicts and appease any and all enemies of the United States at all costs.

An onboard Type O ne DNC Universal Translator can send out messages of apology in any language to anyone who may find America offensive. The number of apologies are limitless and though some may sound hollow and disingenuous, the Navy advises all apologies will sound very sincere.

The ship's purpose is not defined so much as a unit of national defense, but instead in times of conflict the USS Clinton has orders to seek refuge in Canada. The ship may be positioned near the Democratic National Party Headquarters for photo-ops and can be used extensively for social experimentation and whatever other worthless jobs, the ex-commander-in-chief and his wife can think of.

It is largely rumored that the ship will also be the set for the upcoming season of MTV's "The Real World."

The ship was renamed and commissioned USS William J Clinton when someone realized the USS Blowfish was already taken."

European, Middle East, and Democrat Party leaders are hailing this naval development as 'progressive'.

One leader was quoted as asserting, "Now the United States can get a good report on 'Gets along well with others'."

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