Fractured Anthropology

Somewhere in the vicinity of 10,000 years ago the Libero-Magnon clan roamed Central Wisconsin. They were a prosperous tribe, growing fat on their skills at robbing other tribes and gathering fruits and nuts.

Almost imperceptibly, the glacial ice crept southward. The busy tribesmen and women did not notice until one day it became apparent that before too long the ice would cover the cave entrance. There was panic among the tribe. Chief Zagook prayed to and hugged the tree-god, blamed the bush, danced, and sacrificed virgins. Nothing worked, the ice continued toward the cave.

Young Zalgor pondered the situation. He shed his mammoth skins and sat naked on a rock with his elbow on his knee and fist positioned under his chin. After many moons of intensive pondering, his tired eyes widened as he leapt from the boulder.

"I've got it!," he cried.

"More gas?" asked his father.

"No!" Zalgor exclaimed, "I figured a way to stop the ice!"

"Yeah, but peeing on it will not stop it," father replied.

"No, no... it's the heat. I will invent fire and we'll use that to stop the glacier."

His father just shook his head and continued skinning a possum that had been run over by a passing buffalo herd.

Zalgor was not deterred. He began rubbing two sticks together as he thought more about the problem. He farted near the sticks and the explosion started a fire in some nearby dry leaves and twigs.

Zalgor was excited. He told the members of the clan to take a stick from the fire and start other fires all around the forest. Soon hundreds of fires were burning throughout the region.

"How's that going to help? That still isn't enough heat to melt the glacier," his father explained.

"No, no... The fires are releasing more than just heat, they are putting out greenhouse gases that will cause flat-earth warming! The glaciers will recede!"

Sure enough the glacier retreated to Canada and life returned to pristine for the tribe. As the clan's stores of food increased they were stored in a root-cave for future consumption, but soon many animals raided and depleted the stores. Zalgor wove a strong large mesh net to deter some and trap others.

Soon, however, smaller animals, such as rats, roaches, and proto-telemarketers were able to transverse the net and empty the communal food bank.

Zalgor set to work again. He wove a small mesh net and placed it between the larger net and the cave door. All raids immediately ceased.

Zalgor's father was so pleased by his son's ingenuity.

"Son," he said, "I'm so proud of you. You've invented the innernet!"