The latest rage in the scientific understanding of the nature of human beings is Initiology. It is rapidly replacing Scientology and Numerology in esoteric understanding of human behavior.
Initiology takes a person's first and last initials and reads his personality, character, and future with 100% accuracy. In demonstration, I will give the Initiological readings of the contributors of Grandpa John's.
Lance Burri: The Initiology gods tell me that Lb is also the abbreviation for the British engineering system unit of pound. A pound is the unit of force required to accelerate a certain mass by 1 foot per square second. Therefore Lance may also be analogous to that mass; a slug. Nickname: Avoirdupois.
Todd Burri: TB, tuberculosis or Tubercle Bacillus, a slow-growing aerobic bacterium that divides every 16 to 20 hours that when active in the body may cause fever, chills, night sweats, appetite loss, weight loss, paling, and easy fatigability. Other symptoms may be a bloody cough, fever, pallor, and long relentless wasting. He is a believer in supply side economics. Nickname: Consumption.
John Burri: JB, as in J&B Rare Scotch Whisky, 42 different whiskies carefully blended together to create a subtle, smooth, distinctive character. He has a fruity, fresh quality and is light in color. Warning: May cause drunkenness and hepatic cirrhosis. Nickname: Usquebaugh.
Steve Burri: Sb, Antimony (formerly known as Stibium). Antimony and many of its compounds are toxic. Clinically, antimony poisoning is very similar to arsenic poisoning. In small doses, antimony causes headache, dizziness, and depression. Larger doses cause violent and frequent vomiting, and will lead to death in a few days. Nickname: Aschistosomiasis.
Now you know... So live long and prosper.