Real Scientists Research Global Warming

For some time now, the researchers in my secret basement laboratory have been collecting piles of data on the global warming controversy.

Our first major breakthrough occurred on February 2nd. Son-of-a-Birch, our thoroughbred backyard woodchuck, emerged from his burrow wearing only a Speedo and Foster-Grants and muttered something in Woodchuck. One interpreter parsed the statement as, "Winter was soon to be a mere footnote of history." Our second linguist translated it as, "A woodchuck can chuck no wood because of new union rules and because small illegally immigrating Mexican mammals have taken all the woodchucking jobs that American woodchucks wouldn't do."

In addition, our temperature collection data observed changes over the past 84 days. Never, until today did the temperature cross the 40 degree barrier. But today, it soared well into the sweltering 40's. If this trend continues we predict that in just a few short months ambient temperatures may reach into the upper 80's or low 90's.

Core samples taken from the pristine glaciers in our front, side, and back yards have shown that these are starting to lose ice and recede. Because of the results of our computer models, we sent warnings to New York City as well as all other coastal cities to prepare for oceanic rise.

Also, none of our researchers have noted the presence of a single polar bear in the area since no one can remember when. Squirrels, polar bears' diet staple, are multipling like rabbits and appear to show no fear or natural wariness of their deadly consumers.

We are not quite ready to draw a final conclusion, but, in the meantime, does anyone want to buy a snowblower and shovel?

(Other less dignified and scientific articles may also be found on Dr. Pat Santy's Carnival of the Insanities. Special deal: With purchase of snowblower, shovel thrown in for free.)