Utterly Disappointing

Some time ago, I googled 'Stephen Burri' and found one prominently listed. He's a lawyer in Vancouver, B.C. We exchanged e-mails for some time. His father had immigrated to Canada from Switzerland and Stephen was raised there. He had a serious medical problem that needed repair.

After that my computer crashed and I lost track. I decided to Google him again to remake contact. His medical problem had been resolved and things were going well. As I was able to deduce from other google entries, he was a gay man and a prominent gay cause activist. I was told that he and his family were soon to be the subject of a documentary; a gay man living with his children and former wife and her female companion.

Hoping to continue our conversation, I e-mailed back:

Hey, Stephen,

Very glad to hear about ... and that all is going well in the post-surgery department. As I may have already told you, polycystic kidney disease runs in this part of the Burri family. My sister and two older brothers have all been so diagnosed, as was our late father. My younger brother and I just assume that we also have it, but have not been checked. All are asymptomatic, however. It must be a Burri thing. Our grandfather, Alfred, the original immigrant from Switzerland, lived until the age of 98.

I will be looking for your documentary. Keep me posted on its development and possible dates and stations when and where it might be shown.

Ironically, I have a confession to make as well. I am an economic and social conservative Evangelical Christian! Don't that just beat all?

Other than kidney problems, I am banking on the hope that you have a somewhat similar Burri sense of humor. The next paragraph or two will be parody/satire. If you think you may be offended, please skip down to the e-mail's closing!

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Dear Stephen,

I was horrified to learn that someone with my same name was gay, a gay advocate, and making a documentary titled 'Fatherhood Dreams' that showed the life and trials of his family. What would happen if someone in my milieu were to confuse me for him? These redneck, racist, sexist, homophobic, xenophobic bigots would drum me right out of the clan. As a mind-numbed robotoid, unable to think for myself, I would be totally lost and unable to fend for myself. I would have to be institutionalized.

To head 'em off at the pass, I, too, have commissioned a documentarian to produce a film about my life. It will show me placing a 'Yes to Wisconsin Marriage Amendment' yard sign in my front lawn and teaching my step-children to shoot handguns. It will show me dusting off the rifle rack inside my pickup truck and when I smile it will show all three teeth prominently as I spit my chaw with the dribble running down my chin and shirt.

The title will be 'I am not THAT Stephen Burri'!

Then I got to thinkin'... what will happen if someone in Vancouver or British Columbia confuses you for me? Oh, man... we are in a pickle!

Go, brain... think! Aha! Stephen, we must always use our middle initials. Mine's 'F', what's yours?

With conservative sincerity,

Stephen F. Burri

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I hope you were able to enjoy that.

Take care and I will be waiting for news and the developments in your documentary.

Sincerely,

Steve

Unfortunately, he has not e-mailed back, so I assume communication is closed. That's disappointing.