Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Reagan, Star Wars, Cheney,
Rove, China, Randi Rhodes

I am seeking employment as a professor at a major American University. I have a Ph.D that was obtained through a Bazooka bubble gum comic offer. (15 comics, a UPC label, and proof of purchase) I am descended from a minority aboriginal tribe of Switzerland that was forced to assimilate into the dominant Western culture by evil, Northern European, dead white oppressive males. My grandfather immigrated to the U.S. in hopes of freedom only to find more virulent racism.

However much these credentials are titillating to university administrators, it is my thesis that has offers of tenured professorship piling up on my desk.

Back in the early and mid 1980's, President Reagan proposed the development of the Star Wars Defense System, ostensibly to protect American soil from enemy missile attacks. He had other objectives, however, and these slowly simmered on the back burner through the single term of George H.W. Bush and the 8 years of President Bill Clinton. It has only been recently, during the George W. Bush Presidency, that Reagan's vision has finally come to fruition.

Vice President Dick Cheney, along with his Igorish sidekick, Karl Rove, have sold top-secret nanotechnology to the Chi-coms along with 'The Plan'. Chinese dog food producers introduced this technology into its product that was to be sold in the U.S.

Randi Rhodes, a Liberal hot commodity on Air America Radio, unknowingly bought some of this food for her beloved dog. Last Sunday, Ms. Rhodes took little Fido Castro for a constitutional, fell, and was injured.

Jon Elliot, another erudite Air America Radio host, reported that Randi was a victim of a vicious mugging and speculated that it was really a hate-crime of vast right-wing conspiratorial thuggery. When it was finally reported that Ms. Rhodes just fell and was not attacked... lots of snickering... not at Randi's injuries, but instead at the leap of hate-faith jumping to conclusions of conspiracies from Mars. Amateurs.

The reality that remained undetected by all the dilettanti is that the faithful dog tripped Ms. Rhodes and caused the fall and injuries. His nanotech fortified Purina, bolusing through his jejunum, was detected by Reagan's SDS satellites. 'Star Wars' sent a signal to induce the little canine to bolt underfoot in a World Wrestling Federation 'Piledriver', a move that is barred in most states.

Samples of the pup's fecal specimens remain in my refrigerator and the lab results of his positive nanotechoccult tests are in a safe deposit box; definitive proof of 'The Plan.'

Ultimately, therefore & ergo, Ronald Reagan brutally mugged Randi Rhodes.
All the Ivy League schools, California-Berkeley, and the Universities of Wisconsin and Michigan want me bad. Columbia University even offered its Pulitzer Prize in addition to the University Presidency to replace the Conservative Lee Bollinger. They also promised a monumental promotional blitz for next year's Nobel Peace Prize.

(Dr. Sanity's Carnival of the Insanities is up.)


Lance Burri said...

Dude! Shut up!!!

Steve Burri said...

Darn it! All this inside info is driving me mad! I must admit myself into a blabbermouth rehab center.

At least I'm not saying all the things I know about you! Whew!

Steve Burri said...

Yeah, yeah... OK, OK, Pat Santy picked up this post for her carnival. But don't worry, nobody reads her blog anyway.