25 Years of Progress(ivism)

An endangered butterfly flaps its wings in a Southeast Asian jungle and Wisconsin is bracing for another spring snowstorm.
It was late March, 1983. Little Billy intently eye-balled the contents of the candy machine. He quickly spotted the Schnook'ums Bar of which he long lusted. He reached into his pocket only to discover that he was a quarter short of the amount required. Little Billy screamed, he pounded and shook the machine, he fell on the floor and flailed uncontrollably letting out the wailing cry of grief.

Nearby, a progressive activist viewed the scene. With compassion, he went up and talked to the distraught boy. He scheduled a press conference.

At the press conference, the activist paraded Little Billy before the liberal press and let him tell his story. The activist then took the microphone and began to rail against the evils of capitalist America. Its greed and selfishness were oppressing all the Little Billies in the world.

The traction gained through this press conference spread like wild fire throughout the American cultural and political landscape. Promises were made, legislation proposed, and pork was corn fed. (Teddy K. distilled his first.) The case of poor Little Billy of Trailerpark Falls was now indelibly ingrained in the American political scene.

25 years have now passed, but not idly. Little Billy's cause was not forgotten. More speeches were made, press conferences were given, studies were undertaken, and books were written. Threats were implied, Congressmen were lobbied, legislation was passed, bureaucracies were formed, and 587 billion dollars were spent.

The victory for humanity had finally been achieved. A low level bureaucrat finally located Little Billy and presented him with a shiny new quarter! At last, Little Billy was fulfilled.

Little Billy inwardly eye-balled the contents of his dreams. He quickly spotted the Schnook'ums Bar of which he long lusted. He walked inside and reached into his pocket only to discover that he was a quarter short of the amount required to buy the house specialty liquor. Little Billy screamed, he pounded and shook the bar, he fell on the floor and flailed uncontrollably letting out the wailing cry of grief.

Nearby, an activist bouncer viewed the scene. With compassion, he went up and talked to the distraught Billy. He scheduled an immediate curb conference for Little Billy.

Meanwhile, back in Washington, there were handshakes, hugs, and pats on the back for all. "We have made a difference," they said. "It's for the children!" There were photo-ops all around.

Meanwhile, again back in Trailerpark Falls, Little Billy had a photo-op of his own... at the Trailerpark Falls County Intake/Booking Photography Studio.