There are just some crimes that are too dumb to fathom:
Pumped 'im Full of Donut Holes
[...]The van, owned by Donut Delite of Moline, Ill., was stolen early Thursday while the driver was making deliveries at a hospital in nearby Rock Island. The driver had left the van running, and a man jumped in and headed for Iowa, just over the Mississippi River.The thief probably realized the magnitude of his mistake after hearing the S.W.A.T. bullhorns and experiencing a massive artillery shelling. The shelling ceased after someone screamed, "Don't shoot, shrapnel in creme filling hurts my teeth and gums!"
A bevy of officers chased a doughnut delivery van at speeds up to 100 mph before arresting the driver at gunpoint, authorities said.[...]
The criminal was heard to comment during his arrest, "Geez, if Osama Bin Laden had stolen a donut, he'd have been caught long ago."
The fiend, Frank Alvarado, whose political affiliations were unidentified, survived the morning of terror. Several police officers applied for emotional and psychological counseling.