Pumped 'im Full of Donut Holes

There are just some crimes that are too dumb to fathom:

[...]The van, owned by Donut Delite of Moline, Ill., was stolen early Thursday while the driver was making deliveries at a hospital in nearby Rock Island. The driver had left the van running, and a man jumped in and headed for Iowa, just over the Mississippi River.

A bevy of officers chased a doughnut delivery van at speeds up to 100 mph before arresting the driver at gunpoint, authorities said.[...]

The thief probably realized the magnitude of his mistake after hearing the S.W.A.T. bullhorns and experiencing a massive artillery shelling. The shelling ceased after someone screamed, "Don't shoot, shrapnel in creme filling hurts my teeth and gums!"

The criminal was heard to comment during his arrest, "Geez, if Osama Bin Laden had stolen a donut, he'd have been caught long ago."

The fiend, Frank Alvarado, whose political affiliations were unidentified, survived the morning of terror. Several police officers applied for emotional and psychological counseling.