Monday, February 09, 2009

Burri Family Dirty Laundry

Long before Al Gore sounded the alarm about the global climate change crisis, our dad, Great Grandpa John Burri, spoke of similar impending doom. Unlike Al Gore, however, Dad actually did something to provide for humanity's perilous hardship himself rather than plead for the government to heroically save us.

Back in those days, the climate crisis was not from global warming, but global cooling. A new ice age was upon us. Every morning we sprang out of bed to peer out of a north facing window expecting to see a mile high wall of ice slowly approaching. I think Grandpa John was developing ulcers, Grandpa Jerry had really, really bad gas, and Jim and I practiced ice wall fighting tactics using sticks, stones, and urination. Our five mile, uphill, against-the-wind walk to school every day in waist high snow was accompanied with countless looks over our shoulders, not wanting to be ambushed by a sneaky glacier overtaking us from behind. It was a troubling time. (That was before psychiatrists recognized Climate Change Delusion Syndrome.) We could only hope that the ice got those nasty Russkies first.

Even as he worked full time at Janesville's Chevy plant, Dad sacrificed his time and efforts to provide for the continuation of his family, his country, and the entire human race. His contribution was profound, but simple; he learned to knit. And knit he did. With his newly perfected skill, Dad began to produce and sell 'Peter Warmers.' He made them in various sizes and colors with drawstring scrotal bags and an attached, removable cap at the end for bladder relief. The yarn was knit to accommodate stretching and provide comfort.

The result of Dad's efforts is today apparent. The glacial walls were intimidated and scared away. The world was saved.

Thanks, Dad.

If Dad were alive today, I expect that he would have adapted his knitting products to match the needs of our current global climate crisis. Although tremendously challenging, I think he would have knit some contraption large enough to stuff into Al Gore's blubbering facial orifice and stave off another great human suffering.

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