No Podium Position for Me
at the Tour de France

I often have wondered why my pro cycling career never landed me the yellow jersey on the Tour de France. My training was rigorous, much resembling that of Lance Armstrong. I would even pedal from Janesville to North Beach in Racine during strong headwinds and thunderstorms. I would drop Greg LeMond before we even got close to Union Grove.

I recently set the Physiologists and aerodynamic scientists from our secret basement laboratory to work on discovering why I had such lack of success. After several years of study, these brilliant men and women declared that they found the scientific explanation. It turned out to be simply that I was riding inferior equipment: