Finally... Off the Hook

I'm sure glad that we elected Barack Obama as President this past year. It is paying valuable dividends after only a little more than 3 months.

A couple of days ago, in Port of Spain, Trinidad, President Obama issued me a Presidential pardon- Little ol' me! Presidents traditionally only do that at the very end of their tenures, but President Obama, Iconoclast, would not succumb to outdated tradition to accomplish such an important mission. In addition to me, he also pardoned millions of other Americans as well. This is something he learned from Nicaraguan President Daniel Ortega.

Jake Tapper and Sunlen Miller reported the pardons in ABC News' Political Punch:

"To move forward, we cannot let ourselves be prisoners of past disagreements," President Obama said to the Summit of the Americas this evening. "I'm very grateful that President Ortega did not blame me for things that happened when I was 3 months old."

Buried within this statement was a nugget that stated millions of White Americans have been pardoned of all culpability and dismissed from any guilt over the former American institution of slavery, if it had ended before they turned 3 months old.

I've checked the pertinent public records and I AM IN THE CLEAR! I am no longer a racist. I am no longer to be threatened with reparations!

Free at last. Free at last. Thank God Almighty, I'm free at last!

I knew those Tea Parties would have an effect!

UPDATE: Janeane Garofalo and Al Sharpton on suicide watch.