***UPDATED*** & ***BUMPED****
(And Generously Asterisked to Demonstrate the Crucial Importance of this Post)

President Obama, who has been a long-time admirer of Mikhail Gorbachev's slick and smooth socialist style, has announced today that his own efforts have finally achieved the standard of Mr. Gorbachev.

"Late last night my advisers reported that The United States has broken up into 18 different nations, each with decades-long animosity toward the others," the President stated with a gleam in his eye.

Fox News reporter, Hairaldo Riviera, reporting from the bloody Red River southern border of the newly formed Oklahomastan- "I spoke to several militia members here who told me of numerous border skirmishes with Texistan guerilla invaders."

"Our hatred for the Texastanis goes back long before I was even borned," one said, "Great-Great PawPaw told us it started when some Longhorn fans were mean to our Great-Great MeeMaw during a football game in Dallas. So, now I hate Texistanis as much as those reptile Northerstanis."

Just then a heavily armed young Oklahomastani raced frantically into the compound. "Hurry! We need as many men as you can spare. The Arkanstanis have mounted an offensive from Fort Smithengrad!"

(Team photo: jcscuba.)