Sunday, April 26, 2009

The World is not Enough

The Statistical Chronologists in our secret basement laboratory can be quite an embarrassment. Often during meetings they will interrupt the proceedings to say something of the nature of, "We need to step outside since, statistically, it is time for Dr. Huansby to pass methane," or, "Breaktime! Dr. Brewer has to evacuate the bowel." Each time they have been challenged, they have been proven right.

So when these S.C.'s came to me with a recent series calculations, I had to sit up and take notice.

Here are the chronological 'stats' from which they drew their latest educated speculation:

-Barack Obama served three terms in the Illinois Senate from 1997 to 2004.

-He offered a prime-time televised keynote address at the Democratic National Convention in July 2004. Washington Post account:
"I was feeling like a proud older brother, and I had tears coming out of my eyes when he finished," Link said. "Wanting to be a tough guy, I was wiping tears on the corner of my suit coat and trying to clean up. Then I turn around and see there's not a dry eye in the whole place. He got to everybody."
-He was elected to the U.S. Senate in November 2004.

-He began his run for the presidency in February 2007.

-Obama elected President in November 2008.

-He offered a prime-time televised keynote address at the G20 Summit in London in April, 2009. This speech was so powerful that Logan professed:
I was on the treadmill after a long, hard leg workout today at the gym, when Obama gave his speech following the G-20 summit. I was only able to follow the speech via closed caption, and it still moved me to tears. I did not cry out of fear or sadness. No, instead I cried because Obama’s words inspired me and made me believe that this financial calamity will get better. All this without sound, only typed words and a video on mute. We have needed strong words like this and strong international collaboration from our President for eight years. Now we have them, and I am moved.
In the lab's Statistical Chronologists' professional opinion, after a little less than two years as President, Barack Obama will pursue his next political step:

"I'm King of the World!"

Approximately 9 months after achieving this goal, the World will not be enough, so Obama will begin an even larger quest...

"I'm Emperor of the Galaxy!"

But, the lab's Statistical Chronologists have also been mapping other chronologies as well.

They predict that there will soon be strong activity in The Force:

"Help us, Lance Skywalker. You're our only hope."

Our S.C.'s also speculated on a couple of alternate scenarios. It depended a great deal upon whether the researcher wanted to suck up to The Other McCain like some (noted by illustration on the left), or whether they wanted to exercise McCain's Rule #4 (As noted on the right).

Regardless, it seems that the biggest problem that we will be facing is that Joe Biden will soon be POTUS, with Nancy Pelosi immediately on deck as Joe is a probable candidate for the loony bin.

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