Sunday, August 30, 2009

Kenny Teddedy & The Phantom Amagirli

Kenny Teddedy wavered unsteadily on his bar stool and admired the two nearly completed pyramids of upturned shot glasses on the bar in front of him. He giggled... he knew there was really only one! He picked up another shot of scotch and threw it back and proceeded to finish another masterpiece. Since he was admitted to the state bar over 10 years previous, he was experienced enough to know that he should place the glass directly in between the two edifices that appeared before his eyes.

Kenny leaned back and nearly fell off his perch before realizing that the stool had no back and grabbed the bar to regain his position of prominence. "It took the Egyptians many years to complete something like this. And I did it in just a couple of hours," he mumbled proudly to himself. "What an accomplishment! And I did it all on my own without help from my family."

With this, Kenny's psyche became awash with the ghosts of family past. He was the youngest of nine, the fourth of four boys and he had spent his life trying to both escape and embrace the burdens placed upon him by ambitious parents as well as the long shadows cast by his brothers and a public hungry for a return to Camelfart.1

"The disadvantage of my position," he told a nearby sot, "is being constantly compared with three brothers of such superior ability."2

His neighbor looked with compassion into Kenny's face, tempered his thoughts with wisdom and calmly stated, "Yewsh gotsh a fat faish and bulboush red noshe," and did an acrobatic face plant into the bar.

Kenny's ego was little comforted by these kind words. His oldest brother died in the war testing a new technology in flight- a hero. His next oldest brother nearly died in the war when a Japanese destroyer rammed his PT boat in the middle of the night. He was eventually rescued and after returning to the states he became President of the Kiwanis Club. He was later killed by a renegade Elk- a hero.

The next brother was a little too young to get into actual combat, but was able to serve on the ship named after his oldest brother. He became sergeant-at-arms of the Kiwanis, but also was killed by rival clubber- a hero.

Kenny himself joined the Army and, following basic training at Fort Dix, he requested assignment to Fort Holabird for Army Intelligence training, but was dropped after a few weeks without explanation. He served in Paris as his dad made sure he stayed out of Korea. His dad also bought Kenny's way into the Kiwanis where he served on the very important Crucifix in Urine Committee. The rival clubs were thankful that he wasn't forced into their organizations and laughed at the Kiwanis and Kenny- a zero.

His concentration was broken when Jeri Moe Pockepny tapped him on the shoulder.

"Mr. Teddedy," she purred, "I need a ride home to work on a Kiwanis' project. Everyone else is plastered and you are just as stable as when you first came in. Could you drive me home?"

"Why, yes," Kenny slobbered, "I will take both of you home, honey. I'm a safe driver, too. Did you know that once I was in a police chase while in law school, with speeds up to 90 miles per hour, and was charged with reckless driving and driving without a license?3

"No," Jeri Moe responded, "But that must have been exciting."

"Well, let's go, baby."

Jeri Moe jumped into the passenger's seat of the swank 1967 Oldsmobile Delmont 88 as Kenny wallowed into position behind the steering wheel.

"Haaay," he bellered, "Somebody stole the steering wheel!"

"You silly goose," she giggled, "You're in the back seat. Stop playing around and let's get going."

As they did a little four-wheelin' (before four-wheelin' was cool) and approached the Dike Bridge over the Poucha Pond inlet, a strange feeling of storied déjà vu flooded over Kenny. When they began to cross the bridge Kenny looked to the side and saw the Amagirli on a collision course. There wasn't time for evasive maneuvers and after the initial chaos the Oldsmoboat soon sank into the dark depths. Kenny rounded up all the surviving crew and plotted a route to safety. He knew the Japanese controlled all the nearby larger islands so he chose to lead his crewmen to the Plum Pudding Island Hotel/Liquor Store. It wasn't until rescue the next morning that he discovered the loss of some of his PT 666 crewmen.

Kenny Teddedy died recently, the last surviving member of that memorable night on the Japanese island of Chappaquiddicki. He was preceded in death by his parents, his brothers, Jeri Moe, and his liver. In the eyes and hearts of the MSM and other liberal parrots, Kenny died as he wanted- a hero.

(All characters and incidents in this article are fictional. Any resemblance to any humanity, living or dead, is purely coincidental.)

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