Friday, December 04, 2009

Part Way Out of the Closet

-A Thinly Veiled Allegory.
('Cause a lot of blog readers are pretty dense.)

Young Heather Carol lay sprawled out on the hallway floor. As she began to gather herself, she continued to hear the taunts of her schoolmates.

"Lezz-bow loser!"

"Bitty butch bi-atch!"

Heather Carol had heard all this before and had become quite numb to the slurs. But the bumping, pushing, tripping, and knocking books out of her hands were always tiresome.

"Homophobes!" she responded under her breath.

As she continued collecting her books, papers, and militant feminist and gay literature, she glanced up to see a guy all up in her stuff.

"Leave that alone and get out of here," she snapped.

"I'm just going to help pick up your things," he said with his back still toward her. "I hate it when those twits do stuff like this."

After he finished picking up the most wayward papers and books, he stacked them neatly and turned toward Heather Carol. He read a flier as he approached to return her things and said, "I disagree with many of these ideas, but I admire you for standing up so strongly."

He handed her things back to her and continued on his way to class.

Heather Carol was stunned. Th... that was Bucky, Bucky Friggin' Badgerton! The captain of the state champion football team. The lead in the school play. The senior class president. The one voted 'Most Likely to Succeed.' Bucky Badgerton.

A slack-jawed Heather Carol watched as Bucky disappeared around the corner. She stood dumbfounded and silent as she stared into the newly empty, quiet hallway.

The silent universe was suddenly shattered.

"Hey, H.C., you look like you've just fallen in love or somethin'. I'm already jealous. What's her name?"

It was Nicole Saban, Heather Carol's best friend.

"Uhhh... no, I... I just got all my stuff picked up."

"The marauding herd of homophobes again?"

"Yeah, yeah... hey, we'd better get to class."

Heather Carol's mind continued contemplating these events for the rest of the day. She feared that Nicole was right. She was. Heather Carol had indeed fallen in love... with a dude!

Heather Carol's cool exterior belied the panic that lay underneath. What would Nicole Saban think if she found out that she hearts Bucky Badgerton? And worse, what would her two mommies say about her forbidden love?

Heather Carol's two mommies were highly respected members of the militant lesbian community. Paula Bryant, nicknamed Bare 'cause she liked to protest naked, was the more masculine of the two. She always tended to leadership positions and was quite militaristic.

Josephina Wilemina Namath was Heather Carol's other mommy. Everyone called her Jo Willie. She was the more feminine mommy and was even known to publicly wear panty hose, usually considered a taboo in those circles.

"Perhaps they will understand or at least get over it quickly," Heather Carol hoped to herself while walking home.

When she entered the kitchen at home, she found her two mommies in a heavy discussion.

"Heather Carol, we are going to protest at that church that counsels gay and bi- people that they can escape the lifestyle as if it were just another choice," said Jo Willie. "Would you like to come?"

"Uhh... no. I really got a lot of homework."

"It's probably best," snarled Bare, "We's agonna break some windows and do some redecoratin'... hopefully on some hatin' homophobe's face!"

After the two mommies left, Heather Carol realized that her circumstances allowed only one feasible option. She would have to continue her outward militant feminist facade. But her soul and spirit were still free to soar above it all to rejoice in her true love for Bucky Badgerton.

"Some day," she thought, "I will be fully able to openly express my love for Bucky without fear of a bloody Crimson Tide of hate and retribution rising up against me. Some day!

(Side Note: To those coming over from Keith Burgess-Jackson and others who may not be regular readers: This post is a portion of a 'blog war' that I am enjoying with a rabid Alabama Crimson Tide fan in preparation for their upcoming S.E.C. Championship game. No other purpose is intended beside tweaking Alabama fans.)

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