Tuesday, January 04, 2011

Scientists Discover Reason for Mysterious Bird Deaths

Lance spoofs on a Yahoo! news report on Sunday that more than a thousand birds mysteriously dropped dead over a mile stretch in Arkansas. Lightning, high altitude hail, or a fireworks display startling the birds to death have been named as possible suspects.

Specimens have been sent to various labs to determine the cause of death including our secret basement laboratory. As usual our scientists have come through and discovered the reason for their demise.

The dead birds were determined to be Brewer's Blackbirds (Euphagus cyanocephalus) migrating to Mexico for the winter. We have discovered that they were poor blackbirds with little education that were denied health insurance, couldn't afford the very expensive veterinary care, had diets heavily containing salt and trans-fats, and smoked cigarettes.

It is strongly recommended that the Obama Administration add universal veterinary health care to ObamaCare. No legislation is needed, HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius can just place it in the law through her administrative determination.

Problem solved.

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