Monday, July 18, 2011

My Body, My Choice


Ho v. Blade

It was a dark and stormy night. After an evening of clubbing, two young hipsters hooked up and retired to his bachelor crib. They couldn’t even make it to the bedroom, but began their wild thang sprawling over the kitchen counters and table. What transpired from there has become the talk of the nation. Paparazzi circled like vultures. Journalists and editors discussed various takes on the story. Tabloid insinuations went to press. Activist groups protested and chanted clever slogans. The Obama Administration breathed a sigh of relief that there was respite from criticism of the President's national deficits, debt, and teleprompted miscues.

With clothes strewn throughout the kitchen, the two beautiful people turned into wanton beasts experimenting with numerous techniques that they had learned from studying Cosmo and online issues of Playboy. Unfortunately for the porn world the frenzy wasn’t videoed.

Just as he was beginning to climax, the young man blurted out the name of the girl’s mother. Surprised, hurt, then incensed, she reached into a nearby drawer, pulled out a carving knife and with one quick slash severed the man’s penis about 2/3 of the way down its shaft while it was still inserted in her va-jay-jay.

After the young woman’s conviction, she continued to appeal. The case was finally heard by the Supreme Court of the United States. Her conviction, in what had been dubbed ‘Ho v. Blade’, was overturned.

For all of us that don’t understand the technical wheretofor/heretofor terminology, the majority decision can be summed in this manner:
Previous courts have ruled that abortion is a woman’s right since it’s ‘her body, her choice.’ Although an embryo/fetus/partially born infant is technically not ‘in’ or a part of her body but is within a complex invaginated sac extending into her pelvis and abdomen, earlier courts have ruled that the contents of this system is under her authority of choice. In Ho v. Blade the same precedent holds sway. The erect penis was within her invagination and therefore subject to her choice. She had a right to sever the invader as a partial birth abortion or removal of a tumor.

Condom manufacturers have begun distributing Kevlar Kondoms.

Future consideration of SCOTUS:
-“My kid’s bratty throat was between my hands, which are often used like my va-jay-jay, so I abort-choked ‘im.”

-“She was in my personal space, which is part of my body, so I cut the bee-otch and really effed her up.”

-And the Obama Administration’s “We are the chosen ones so the whole United States is part of our body of authority and we chose to abort the contents of their wallets, bank accounts, retirement plans, and any freedoms that they think they had.”

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