I used to look at the demands to 'tax the rich' as just a class warfare tactic. It was for all intents and purposes just a scheme to attract voters by stoking the fires of envy in one large group of voters against the minority of the more well-to-do citizens. After further review, however, I have been able to see the benefits to our nation as a whole by taxing the rich.
Therefore, it is time to take this political stand and push for a bold initiative. I will be promoting a plan to tax the rich at a modest 50% rate! This plan will not only tax income, but also the broad expanse of accumulated wealth. Taxing accumulated wealth is the key to freeing our nation from its debt and stimulating the economy in ways as yet unseen. Pass my bill!
Accumulated wealth encompasses far more than financial accounts and real estate. It comes in a wide variety of forms all subject to taxation and compassionate redistribution. And for the first time in paternalistic world history, women will play a leading role. You must pass my bill without delay!
Here are but a few examples contained in my bill:
-Attractive, beautiful women such as Hollywood starlets have a wealth of sensuality that the vast majority of poor, unattractive males and lesbians have never before been able to participate in and enjoy. At the 50% wealth tax rate, these starlets will redistribute 50% of their sexual encounters with the impoverished homely masses. A vagina becomes taxable capital. There's some stimulus! Pass this bill!One will find many more such taxation with redistribution clauses in this 4,000 page legislation. Those you will find out after you Pass this Bill.
-If a woman has a wealthy pair of perky and shapely breasts, one will compassionately be redistributed to those with saggy, misshapen ones.
-50% of the wealthy's teeth will be redistributed to Southern White Christian Rednecks.
-The 50% redistribution also includes kidneys, hair, eyes, digits, hands, arms, legs, buttocks, and ovaries. If you have two, share.
-The 50% redistribution of real estate will require that the poor, homeless, and undocumented will be able to squat on the rich's property. President Obama's Chicago home as well as those of Al Gore, Michael Moore, and Nancy Pelosi are a good examples. The poor will also be able to partake in the redistribution of 50% of the rich's dinners. (Not including Obamaville soup kitchens and bread lines.)
-University professors will redistribute 50% of their educational wealth, turning their PhD's into Bachelors degrees so everyone in the nation will have a college degree. Pass this bill!