Thursday, November 10, 2005

PARIS-- French President Jacques Chirac announced today that the French will withdraw from Paris by the end of the month. Their investigation determined that the Parisian freedom fighters did not have WMD's nor any link with Al Qaeda proving that the Bush administration lied again. Chirac stated that no atrocities were found to have been committed by the insurgents.

The French occupation forces will withdraw with their noses held high and with their tails tucked firmly and neatly between their legs according to longstanding French tradition. One French general's only complaint was that they wouldn't be allowed to take any wine out with them.

Previous negotiations offering Andorra as a substitute for Paris had failed.

The new Parisian Government said that some landmarks are to be renamed. Visitors to Paris will now be photographing Saddam's Tower and the Arc d' Defeat.

Representatives also warned the Bush administration to keep out of Parisian internal affairs. If they ignored this warning, they would be in for 'The Mother of All Battles.' Chirac agreed, adding also that U.S. interference would spur the French to resist the U.S. with 'The Mother of All Snooty Rhetorical Posturing'.

When asked whether the newly formed nation would join the European Union, a representative said that this had indeed been their plan all along. He stated that they soon will take steps to annex Spain, Portugal, Belgium, The Netherlands, Denmark, and the other Scandanavian countries, followed by Germany and Austria. Italy's reluctance will be overcome by showing several Italian beheadings on the TV program, "Akbar's Funniest Jihad Videos". Britain, Poland, and Switzerland will shortly be the only remaining infidel resistance.

The leadership of the U.N. has not yet made public comment, but by most reports there is a mad flurry of activity with lots of cash changing hands very discreetly.

Senator John Kerry hailed the French decision as 'Peace in our Time' and said that this was similar to the 'plan' he intimated during his presidential bid. Senator Kennedy gave a big thumbs up as he chugged on a bottle of Scotch topped with a rubber nipple.

Cindy Sheehan, chained to the Statue of Liberty, chanted, "Bush lied, and people died," as Michael Moore filmed her for his new fact-filled documentary, "Hitler Escaped the Bunker, Got a Nosejob and Changed his Name To George Walker Bush." They were cheered on by thousands of supporters, all of whom were MSM reporters and photographers. There was also a group of Japanese tourists present, rolling their eyeballs and making 'air circles' with their index fingers near the sides of their heads. We were assured by the NY Times Asian correspondent (who had never actually been west of Philadelphia) that this was ancient Japanese sign language meaning, 'Get out of Iraq Now!'

The Bush White House made no comment.

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