Monday, November 14, 2005

Species Reclassification as the Infallible Proof of Evolution

The outdoor view from my place of work is that of the Oakhill Cemetery. I call it Union Boot Hill as I contend that both Jesse James and Jimmy Hoffa are actually buried there. Nevertheless, it is quite a beautiful place. The grounds are rife with old growth oak, maple, walnut, hickory, and evergreen trees. I am still hoping to see an endangered spotted owl, but have not as of yet, probably because we are not allowed to shoot all the feral cats.

At just about any moment of the day, I can look out and see anywhere from one to two dozen squirrels busily going about their lives. They move about at high speeds throughout the arboreal highway, travelling from tree to tree commuting to their favorite hunting grounds. After incurring minor tiffs of road rage they each hit the turf in search of squirrel treasure. On the ground they root around in the dirt among the forest's flotsam and jetsam searching for only one thing, their prized nuts. It is what sustains them and dominates a great portion of their lives.

As I continued watching them, it became apparent to me that in reality I was witnessing something else entirely. I was watching the MSM method of creating the news; a gaggle of critters, out of their trees, rooting around in the dirt and debris for the nuts that alone appease their ideological appetites and dominate their lives. At the approach of anything contrary, they scurry back to the safety of their trees, go out on a limb, and beller like tiny wounded buffalo.

Then the epiphany struck me like bolting a shot of white lightning-- Evolution is true. It was occurring right before my eyes. Not only was there species-hopping, but also kingdom, phyla, class, order, family, and genus swapping as well. The lack of fossil evidence became irrelevant, evolution was happening within our short lifetimes.

I immediately recognized that the present system of taxonomic classification would be thrown into chaos. It had become antiquated and no longer applied to the variety of life existing before us. The technical vernacular of biology would be thrown into a wild state of flux. Binomial nomenclature now needed to adapt as rapidly as teenage idiomatic lingo.

Most of those formerly classified as Homo sapiens including most MSM reporters and editors, liberal politicians, and leftist Hollywood stars, totally evolved from one order to another. Previously they were of the order Primate, but now they had naturally selected into the order Rodentia. Many were subclassified as Muridae, rats, while the rest were Sciuardae, squirrels. This is an easy classification in that the word rodent is from the Latin rodere, meaning to gnaw. In these cases they continually gnaw away at the truth to wear it down.

Michael Moore and Teddy Kennedy have evolved into Balaenoptera musculus, Blue Whales. They are both very rotund blue-staters, krill strainers, with gigantic blow holes. Kennedy also apparently is a very good swimmer.

Howard Dean has evolved into a Crocuta crocuta, a Spotted Hyena. His speech and screaming personality place him squarely within this genus. He also habitually steals the work of others and battles Vultures for the right to ingest putrifying carrion.

John Kerry has been the most difficult to classify. I would tend to place him in Kingdom Plantae as a Dionaea muscipula, a Venus Flytrap, as he opens his mouth wide without saying anything substantive and generally closes his mouth immediately upon the entrance of his own foot. However, my taxonomic conflict rose to a head with Kerry's apparent characteristics (along with the French political leadership) of the Odocoileus virginianus, a Whitetail Deer, by rapid flight at the first sign of a troubling truth with his white flag tail in full erection. (Also because the species name ends in '-anus'.) I will have to touch base with other leading modern taxonomists to help solve this dilemma.

So, by definitively proving evolution to be true, I expect any and all disputes with the Intelligent Design crowd will be permanently solved. They have not yet evolved past Neanderthals.

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