United States of America v. I. Lewis Libby: Round One

The first major battle in the court case, United States of American v. I. Lewis Libby is coming to a head. Ted Wells, of the law firm, Paul Weiss, Rifkind, Wharton & Garrison, is opposing the introduction of testimony that might show Libby's false statements and obstruction as a 'long standing pattern of behavior'.

The controversial witness, Edna von Schtueble, nicknamed the bearded lady by her students, was Scooter's third grade teacher in Florida. Her claim is that Libby was caught chewing gum in class, but swallowed the gum and lied about chewing it. Little Ichabod Lewis was sequestered for three days by school authorities to examine his jettisoned feces and the gum in question was retained for evidence. It was determined to be 'Juicy Fruit' by forensic technicians. During Scooter's administrative hearing to determine his punishment, either electrocution by 'Old Sparky' or living as a foster child in the home of Edna von Schtueble, Lewis' friend, fourth grade schoolmate, Karl Rovenstein, pointed out that the prosecution had not scientifically determined the rate of peristalsis along Scooter's alimentary canal. Karl claimed that small errors in rate calculations had allowed for the possibility that the recovered Juicy Fruit could have been ingested before the 8 AM start of school. Rovenstein also argued that, by introducing the obstruction charge into the case, the prosecution also tacitly argued that the obstructing gum would have delayed its own defecation even longer, proving its ingestion at an even earlier time. With this shadow of doubt sown the school administration was forced to drop the case.

The bitter Edna von Schtueble immediately retired from teaching and became a successful professional wrestler. Karl Rovenstein moved to Texas and was never heard from again. Scooter's wad of Juicy Fruit is up for bid on e-bay. (Michael Moore reputedly has bid $3.2 million for it, claiming that all the delicious flavor has not yet been chewed out of it.)