Wise Words from Wicked Thoughts

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather--who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car." --Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away from children." --Author Unknown

"If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base." --Dave Barry

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my golly .... I could be eating a slow learner." --Lynda Montgomery

"I think that's how Chicago got started. Bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'" --Richard Jeni

"If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead." --Johnny Carson

"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez

"Suppose you were an idiot ... And suppose you were a member of Congress... But I repeat myself." --Mark Twain

Do you know why they call it "PMS"? Because "Mad Cow Disease" was taken. --Unknown, (presumed deceased)