Monday, March 06, 2006

A Bubble Burst

The latest scientific research has exploded a much ballyhooed enviromentalist myth. It was once thought that carbon dioxide emissions produced by the internal combustion engine was responsible for the massive infusion of this polluting gas into the atmosphere accelerating gobal warming, herpes, bird flu, itchy privates, mad cow disease, terrorism, and the George W. Bush presidency.

The latest scientific data, however, is undeniable. The statistics garnered in the newest study funded by American Dairy Association and General Motors points the finger of blame directly at the CO2 emissions spewed forth by the opening and consumption of beer, champagne, and carbonated non-alcoholic beverages.

In response to this latest epiphany, all major breweries and soda manufacturers-- all faithful worshippers of Gaia-- are introducing product lines of 'flat beer' and 'popless pop'. Their researchers predict that global warming should be drastically reduced by the year 2010 and that George W. Bush will not be elected president again in 2008.

For the first time ever, the turning of the Chicago River green during this year's St. Patrick's Day celebration will have a positive symbolic global meaning.

Got milk?

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