Why Do They Hate Us?

There has been a lot of speculation offered as to why so many Arabs and other Muslims hate the United States. Recently, the evil Bush Administration contracted my secret basement facilities to clandestinely research the question. (Under the table, of course. Potential leakers/whistleblowers were killed in a crack house shootout.)

We were loaned 10 residents of Guantanamo as test subjects to experiment with some of our designer chemicals. Some of these concoctions had previously been proven efficacious on rats. I finally did find out which one had gotten in my box of Cap'n Crunch and he is now prominently displayed in the lab's pickle jar.

In all of our testing, one particular chemical showed the most promise; Baredasoulamine-HCl. Under its influence all ten test subjects were able to draw from their deepest interiors to enable us to understand why they hated America to such a vitriolic degree.

Surprisingly their hatred did not emanate from the actions of the U.S. military, from foreign policy, or any other of the usual speculations offered. The anti-American hatred was founded in the U.S. Congress, specifically by its legislative/dietary propensities.

After praising Allah, each subject would chant in Arabic, translated, "In all, there were roughly 15,000 congressional earmarks in 2005 at a total cost of $47 billion."1.

Study conclusion: These terrorists really hate pork.