Tuesday, February 20, 2007

New!
All Natural Personal Hygiene-
From Algore Products

One of the most exciting rumors flying around the business world is the impending introduction of a brand new line of personal hygiene and cosmetic products by Algore.

The major innovation in the manufacture of these new products will be the modernization into the 21st Century of the meaning of the word 'Natural'. Algore intends to reflect the truth in what 'natural' means in this day and age. All ingredients will be the substances commonly found in our environment today.

One shampoo, to be labelled 'Ocean Breeze', will contain the natural scents of dead fish, sewage, and medical waste. This hair cleanser will be dark brown in color, cause the hair to fall out, and burn the scalp for hours after use.

Algore's 'Arctic Frost' deoderant will apply with the smoothness of freshly dropped cow pies and exude the same aromatic aura. Daily application will soon cause axillary cankers and rapid hair growth. And it will burn 'like the pit of Hell' for hours after use.

His new line of facial cleansers and lotions will contain several radioactive ingredients within an imported petroleum base. Its continued use will cause volcanic pimples, warts, and various kinds of yet-to-be-named dermatological lesions. After use, it will burn like the dickens for hours.

Algore's new line of colognes, such as Inconvenient Alpine Whiff, have added ozone, hanging chads, PCB's, cigarette smoke, and radon gas. After use, it will burn all nasal mucus membranes up to 50 feet away for hours.

The new product line of toothpastes, having Algore's secret recipe, promises to bring its user the beaming smile of a Southern White Redneck Conservative Christian. The two remaining teeth and gums will burn for hours after use.

All liquid hygiene and cosmetic products will be carbonated to reflect the increasing atmospheric carbon dioxide. All solid products will melt at the normal elevated environmental temperature.

"With things the way they are now, we're all going to die sooner than later. So use Gaia approved Algore products and truly experience oneness with Mother Earth and feel what She feels. All proceeds will go to lobbying efforts for my Oscar and Nobel Peace Prize nominations."- Algore, founder and CEO of Algore Products.

2 comments:

Jay P said...

Too much!

Sign me up for two of everything. One for me, the other for my close personal friend, Hillary!

Steve said...

Jay, I think our favorite NASCAR drivers were using some of these Algore products in their cars in Daytona.