Monday, April 23, 2007

The Troglodyte Twins' Study:
Trogloxenes, Troglobites, & Modern Subcultures

I have two researchers in my secret basement laboratory that have done much pioneering work documenting the inception and evolutionary development of subcultures within the mainstream society of the United States. After reading a paper that they had written about me and my anti-social milieu in the late 70's, I could only meekly ask, "Did I do thaaat?"

These two have also become quite the experts in spelunking. They shall not be named for purposes of national security as well as basement lab anonymity, but we have affectionately named them the Troglodyte Twins. Recently they began incorporating observations of cave life with that of certain subcultures in American life. Their conclusions have been quite illuminating.

The Trog Twins' main research has been the symbiotic relationship between two categories of cave dwellers; the trogloxenes and the troglobites. Trogloxenes, in this case bats, sleep in the caves, but are generally considered to 'belong' to surface ecosystems. Troglobites, in this case certain species of roaches, live their entire lives within the caves and have developed morphological and physiological changes commensurate with their lifestyles. Some of these t'bite adaptations include blindness, body size, scales, and aggressiveness.

After foraging for insects, fruits, and blood in the darkness of the night world outside the cave, the bats return to sleep during the day suspended from the ceilings of the caves. These tiny ecologists neither use toilet paper nor diaper their young. Their excrement and urine is dropped indiscreetly onto the cave floor.

The cave floor is immediately transformed into a 5 star roach restaurant, and a very popular one at that. Soon the guano eating pretender flunkies inundate the entire stockpile created by the bats with a party resembling Times Square on New Year's Eve or a 'love-in' in downtown Damascus after the publication of the Danish cartoons. Tons of fun for everyone.

The insightful Troglodyte Twins immediately recognized the similarity to the development and maintenance of one particular subculture in American society; the modern leftist environmental/antiwar subculture. Bats like Al Gore, John Kerry, Harry Reid, and Nancy Pelosi; 'belongers' to the mainstream culture, search the darkness feeding on bugs, fruits, and taxpayer blood. After gorging themselves, they return to the cave and rain excrement upon the blind, scaly, aggressive troglodites living their lives entirely within the confines of their caves. They accept no other sustenance from life on the outside, but feast like gluttons solely on the feces fed to them by the progressive trogloxenes.

The Twins have even discovered a new species of bat, but because they are true professionals, they humbly refused to name it after themselves. Instead, they accurately named it after its own characteristics; Diphylla algoreaus, the hairy-legged liberal vampire bat.

They are also researching the possibility of a newly discovered cave cockroach, but are not totally satisfied that it is not actually a Blaberus craniifer, true death's head cockroach. If indeed they find that it is a new species, they will name it Blaberus sheehanifer, true death's head hissing cockroach.

The Troglodyte Twins kept us entertained all day among the test tubes, Erlenmeyer flasks, Petri dishes, and electron microscopes. They dramatized their work by crawling under tables with their helmets and headlights through little piles of lab rat feces. We are nominating them for the Nobel Prize in Medical Economic Literature.

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