Saturday, July 07, 2007

Albert Gore, Jr., Savior

The stars peer down upon the tiny blue spitball called Earth and shake their heads with a tut-tut here and a tsk-tsk there. Its ignorant unwashed masses are scurrying hither and yon in an apparent neurotic affect, charging like lemmings towards eternity's cliff.

There is hope, however. The mighty Albert Gore, Jr. has stepped up to the plate in the bottom of the ninth. The packed celestial crowd goes silent with deeply held breath. A few of the more puckish entities try to start a 'wave' but that's so yestereternity that no one's buying it.

With a count of two strikes... here comes the pitch... Albert swings mightily at the destructive sphere with his Adirondack, his homemade bat that he carved when lightning struck and split his cranium while counting his zinc mine royalties, and connects. It's a Live Earth Concert drive!

One announcer, the Bob Uecker of the Daily Mail, makes the call:

[...]Matt Bellamy, front man of the rock band Muse, has dubbed it 'private jets for climate change'.

A Daily Mail investigation has revealed that far from saving the planet, the extravaganza will generate a huge fuel bill, acres of garbage, thousands of tonnes of carbon emissions, and a mileage total equal to the movement of an army.

The most conservative assessment of the flights being taken by its superstars is that they are flying an extraordinary 222,623.63 miles between them to get to the various concerts - nearly nine times the circumference of the world. The true environmental cost, as they transport their technicians, dancers and support staff, is likely to be far higher.

The total carbon footprint of the event, taking into account the artists' and spectators' travel to the concert, and the energy consumption on the day, is likely to be at least 31,500 tonnes of carbon emissions, according to John Buckley of, who specialises in such calculations.

Throw in the television audience and it comes to a staggering 74,500 tonnes. In comparison, the average Briton produces ten tonnes in a year.

The concert will also generate some 1,025 tonnes of waste at the concert stadiums - much of which will go directly into landfill sites. [...]
It is certain that you DO have to break some eggs to make an omelette.

Gore has taken up the Eddie Matthews hitting technique... There's a long drive! It's hooking foul. Next pitch: Swing and a miss, strike three! Miller, Taryton, and Clark take you out to the park. Thank you, Earl Gillespie!

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