Monday, December 24, 2007

On This Day in Christmas History

Al Gore, his omniscient Global Warmistas, and the haters of all things Christmas have something in common. Trouble is, they might be right.

The family Cervidae has recently named as notorious producers of global warming greenhouse gasses. The Scandinavian moose has been named as 'A Worst Offender.' Lance has recently accused the Wisconsin White-tailed Deer as a lesser, but far more numerous offender. However, through a recent scientific study, Reindeer are now known to be the worst flatulators. That's why they can 'fly'. Methane is lighter than air.

As the old, but real, Christmas story goes (the truth of which has been suppressed by corporations like Wal-Mart, the Bush administration, Christians, and other non-truthers),...

One Christmas many, many years ago, Santa had a reindeer named Fartzen. That year, while flying over Atlantis to deliver toys to all the good little Atlantian boys and girls, a reindeer named Marlburro lit a smoke just as Fartzen cut an extra-cheezy SBD. The subsequent fireball vaporized millions of Atlantians, opened a fault line in the Earth's crust causing the large land mass to sink, and the incumbent atmospheric warming caused the earth's oceans to rise 50 feet. Santa miraculously survived by having a two foot thick layer of blubber and by wearing a fireproofed suit. One of his many chins was forced upward protecting his face. He grew and still sports the beard to hide the burn scars.

To this day Santa Claus (von Stauffenberg) delivers toys, kitsch, underwear, ugly sweaters, and electronics not as a genuine act of altruism, but rather under the great onus of guilt for his murderous acts upon humanity and mother Earth.

That is the true story of modern secular Christmas. Al Gore and the seemingly ubiquitous Truthers deserve your support.

So, Happy Holidays, ignorant callous friends.

(I am well aware that with some Truthers this story might really catch on!)

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