Proposal from the Department of Defense:
Draft Grandpa

New Direction for the War on Terror

Subject: Drafting Guys over 60

'Send Prior Service Vets over 60’

Presently, the Armed Forces think those over 60 years of age are too old to track down terrorists. (One can't be older than 42 to join the military.)

This whole mindset is backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, the U.S. Military ought to take old guys. A prospect shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry!'

The aged are impatient and maybe letting them kill some a----- that desperately deserves it will make them feel better and shut them up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a.m.

Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like has already been said, 'They are tired and can't sleep and since they're already up, they may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b---.

If captured, the aged couldn't spill the beans because they've forget where they put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys. They used to getting screamed and yelled at and like soft food. They've also developed an appreciation for guns. They've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

Training could lighten up on the obstacle course however. Those who have been in combat have never seen a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor have they ever done any pushups after completing basic training. The Drill Sgt. could now scream, 'Get down and give me ... er ... ONE.'

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. No one has ever outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head. These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way.

Let the old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked us on September 11. The last thing an enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.

If nothing else put the mature on the border and they will have it secured the first night.

These old coots have long learned to appreciate and will fight for all benefits of living in America. Most young people take their blessings for granted.

(Adapted from the 554th MP Think Tank brainstormer Ted Sedlak.)