Thursday, February 21, 2008

By Jove, I Think He's Got It!

There have been many questions asked and equally as many speculative answers given to the enigma of Barack Obama's hysterical popularity. He has accomplished nothing and has proposed nothing substantive. His astronomical rise in American politics is a mystery.

Joe Biden:
"I mean, you got the first mainstream African-American who is articulate and bright and clean and a nice-looking guy. I mean, that's a storybook, man."
A bright, clean, articulate, nice-looking guy, indeed, but that doesn't explain his fanatical following.

David Ehrenstein:
But it's clear that Obama also is running for an equally important unelected office, in the province of the popular imagination — the "Magic Negro."...

He's there to assuage white "guilt" (i.e., the minimal discomfort they feel) over the role of slavery and racial segregation in American history, while replacing stereotypes of a dangerous, highly sexualized black man with a benign figure for whom interracial sexual congress holds no interest.
A bright, clean, articulate, nice-looking benign Black guy that assuages White guilt. But that still doesn't add it all up.

Several of the researchers from my secret basement laboratory decided to research the question scientifically and have been attending meetings of Obama supporters and rallies at which the Senator speaks. They have interviewed thousands of groupies and collected various and sundry environmental samples. Every interview proved as vacuous in hard data as the candidate's speeches themselves. The environmental samplings, however, produced the information to provide an Edisonian 'Eureka!' moment.

The atmospheric samples taken at venues with Obama in attendance showed the presence of some unknown aromatic organic compounds. After much chemical analysis these complex molecules proved to be odoriferous pheromones that had yet to be classified and named. After much deliberation and consultation with the I.U.P.A.C., they were finally dubbed Hoffen-Cambiare Pheromones; Hope and Change Pheromones. These chemicals in diluted quantities cause tremendous euphoria in emotionally disabled, metrosexual humans. Many others have been inoculated from their effects by experience and solid reasoning. In too large of a parts-per-million percentage, these pheromones have the paradoxic effect; they just stink.

One researcher began to laugh uncontrollably. After several minutes she was able to explain her jocularity. She accounted that we had just finished thousands of hours of blind research when the answer had already been given to us months ago:
In an interview with Glamour Magazine, Mrs. Obama details her two girls' morning ritual, a time, she says, when her husband Barack is often "snore-y and stinky."

“We have this ritual in the morning," Michelle Obama told Glamour. "They come in my bed, and Dad isn’t there — because he’s too snore-y and stinky, they don’t want to ever get into bed with him."
The first to post a comment on this article, Anonymous, exclaimed:
Thank the lord for honest people telling it like it is! People will like Barrack more because he is more like us!

I would vote for him!!

We released our conclusions to John McCain's and Hillary Clinton's campaign headquarters and have received previews of parts of some upcoming speeches by the candidate's spouses.

Former President Bill Clinton: "Hillary is so stinky, I can't even sleep in the same room with her. Heh, heh"

Cindy McCain: "It's a little known fact that negotiations didn't provide for John's release from the Hanoi Hilton. He smelled so bad that the North Vietnamese threw him out."

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

He has accomplished nothing and has proposed nothing substantive. His astronomical rise in American politics is a mystery.

Not necessarily. We don't know (or haven't enough to go on) whether he has accomplished much or not. The media is focused entirely on the horse race and little of the issues.

And the Democrats are yet again running an unvetted candidate. Actually they leave the vetting up to the Republicans after the primarys, and call it a right wing smear campaign.