Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Coyote Consensus

Mac Johnson parodies global warming experts:
Communities east of Los Angeles have seen a spate of “attacks” by coyotes against children playing menacingly in local parks and yards.[...]

“This is the coyote’s land... “Before the white man stole their natural resources and pitted them against other animals in a colonialist scheme to control nature, coyotes were matriarchical pacifists living ‘off the grid’ in sustainable vegan ecovillages,” he added. “We changed that. The chickens have now come home to roost.”[...]

“Climate Change is driving these animals to act in ways they’ve never acted before. 2007 was one of the three warmest years since 2004. Is it a coincidence that these attacks are now on the upswing?”

“This fits a pattern of other strange natural events that my group, Anecdotes without Borders, has been documenting for years,” said Dreamer-Berkowicz. “Less ice in some places, heavier snowfall in others. Droughts in one year, followed by greater-than-average rains the next. Hurricanes and cyclones are happening annually. Now the coyotes have joined their voices to the chorus of signals that the planet is in peril. Oh, when will we sign Kyoto?”[...]

O’thority had these hints and suggestions for locals...

-“Remember that they are more afraid of you than you are of them. It may seem like they’re chewing on your daughter’s head, but that’s just a fear response.”

-“Remember that the attack is probably your fault. Try to think of what you did to provoke it and apologize before your lips are eaten.”

-“Don’t leave food out or open any windows in your home if it contains food. Also, keep your garbage locked in your car until garbage day. Food and food smells are just one of the many ways we bring these attacks on ourselves.”

-“A recent 3-year, $640,000 study, paid for by the state, indicates that children may be attacked more frequently because they are smaller than adults. If attacked, try to make your child seem as large as possible.”[...]

Earl Armstrong, a local redneck... “Well, people used to shoot ‘em.”... "Basically, people got soft.”


HeatherRadish said...

The coyotes weren't intentionally vegan--they just couldn't get that damn roadrunner.

"Anecdotes without Borders"--wish I'd thought of that.

Steve Burri said...

That A.C.M.E. corporation eventually morphed into Wal-Mart.

The roadrunner morphed into a Democrat Presidential candidate.

Anecdotes Without Borders is derived from the Mensa version of 'The Liars' Club.'