Sunday, May 10, 2009

Our Lab's Mythbusters Take on Santa Claus

I recently saw a lede in passing that referenced the political Left as Santa Claus and the political Right as Scrooge/Grinch. I didn't take the time to read it and could not find it again, but it got me ta thinkin'. I mentioned this while conferencing with several researchers in our secret basement laboratory and as commonly occurs, they were inspired.

These scientists hastily donned their Mythbusters lab coats, fired up their Bunsen Burners, and proceeded to research.

After only three days of doing their science these world-class researchers presented me with their results. Extract:
After compiling reams of data from 18 scientific disciplines, Dr. Artiaga-Gomez, Project Director, declared the urban legend version (ULV) of Santa's character busted and reached the following three scientific certainties:

1. There is a Santa Claus.

2. The Democrats view of government proposes to mimic Santa's ULV activities.

3. Conservatives' vision of government strives to oppose Santa's actual activities.

The urban legend version of Santa Claus consists of a jolly fat man dressed in red that performs his work, on only one day per year, after bed-time on Christmas Eve. He is said to visit every house and give free gifts to everyone. That suits the vision of the Democrats, but, unfortunately, this was busted.

Further research proved, however, that the real Santa Claus also works the other 364 days a year as well. On these days he and his horde of elves go from house to house, wallet to wallet, robbing everyone blind to enrich himself and his cronies. He indeed does give a small portion back on Christmas Eve, but the exchange rate is to be considered sleighway robbery. In the real world of science, as in Conservative politics, both Scrooge and the Grinch are the real heroes.
Bah, Humbug!

No comments: