Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano:
There has been much controversy concerning our T.S.A. security searches at U.S. airports. We have heard the American people and are going to make the necessary corrections.
We are all aware that terroristic activity is not confined to air travel. There have been attacks on buses, trains, automobiles, pizza joints, churches, homes, night clubs, Olympic events, and on the street.
We will therefore expand T.S.A. security measures beyond the airports and into a broad range of Americans' activities to assure the people that the Obama Administration is serious about their safety.
Here a suspicious person is inspected as he attempts to use a public restroom at the local 7-11:
Fortunately, no unauthorized Slurpees were detected.
Here Secretary Napolitano demonstrates a technique for trained T.S.A. agents to use for body cavity searches:
Said Napolitano, "We will be sure, however, that the agents' thumbs are much larger and longer than mine. We are all about American security and are willing to go the extra mile for the children."