Friday, March 02, 2007

Carbon Credits For Sale

As more and more people, small businesses and large companies become hip to carbon emission offsets and the carbon-neutral lifestyle, we here at Jawbone's Carbon Offset Emporium and Pawn are offering a special deal for the month of March. We will offset any overindulgence of carbon dioxide production for $9.75 per metric ton.

We here at JCOE&P understand that there are many companies offering services, some for even less cost, that claim similar advantages for a healthy Earth, but these do not provide nearly the great benefits. The others may plant trees, produce solar or windmill power and research, tear down coal-fired power plants in China, neutralize bovine flatulence, or enrich Al Gore through the sale of indulgences for past and futures sins against the goddess Gaia. We, however, go one step further.

Jawbone's professional staff visualizes a vibrant Earth and the end of climate change via global warming. We don't just place bumper stickers on our SUV's, chant ourselves senseless with vain repetition, or write inane and unread opinion pieces in the local newspaper. (Although a few staff members use visualization enhancing organic herbs and psilocybes.)

Our visualization has teeth. We visualized Britney Spears bald... voila! (One trainee visualized another portion of Britney bald, but was found to have been viewing Beavers by while at work before the fact and was fired.)

We visualized John Kerry voting against it. He had voted for it previously.

We visualized Monica Lewinski praying on bended knee. Well, we were half right, anyway.

If you need more proof, you may observe the efficacy of our ongoing visualizational projects:

-No George W. Bush presidency after 2008

-The French become obstinate

-Genital herpes will be a hassle

To assuage the ubiquitous American guilt for the sins against the world sign up now at Jawbone's Carbon Offset Emporium and Pawn and receive our March discount and save Mother Earth. The blessings of Gaia will be upon you.

Post postscript: JCOE&P has an even more incredible offer to visitors from Dr. Sanity's Carnival of the Insanities: Just $9.85 per metric ton of carbon footprint excesses.

And please behave yourselves. Trolling makes me angry, increases my respiration, and therefore produces more CO2 to destroy the Earth. You will be held responsible. We will visualize things; crabs and cockroaches and fleas, Oh, my!

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