I hereby announce my retirement from the National Football League.
What? Well, no, I never actually worked for the NFL. Or for any NFL team. Never actually played, never had my name on a roster, never got invited to a training camp, or a pre-draft workout, or even a draft-day party.
So maybe “retirement” isn’t exactly the word. The point is: this year, I will not be entering the NFL draft.
It’s the end of an era.
Every year since, roughly, 1988, I’ve made myself available for the NFL draft. Every year, I’ve sat by the phone, waiting for the call. It never came. [...]
Okay, so I’m being ridiculous. I never played college ball. I was a mediocre lineman in high school. I’m slow, clumsy, can’t get rim on the basketball court, and my spirals are, shall we say, shaky. [...]
Yep, freakishly fearsome ol' #77 (and also ol' bro #75) opened holes big enough to drive trucks through. It's just too bad all the Horlick runners that he opened them for are in prison. Most of them were arrested for shoplifting. They would have gotten away, but as they fled the stores at full sprint clerks caught them from behind. Too bad they didn't have Lance blocking for them during those plays.