President Obama's version of the Patriot Act must have gotten wind of our secret basement laboratory's computer hackers' foreknowledge of the selection of Rio de Janeiro to host the 2016 Summer Olympics. The F.B.I. is staking out the house again. They just don't seem to catch on that our secret lab has a secret tunnel for our scientists, techs, and researchers to enter and exit over on Monroe Street. In the meantime I can neither confirm nor deny the laboratory's existence.
I am often asked how the lab is financially supported. We employ about 87 of the top men and women in various scientific disciplines who do not come cheaply. Besides the bake sales and door-to-door band candy income, we also get many grants from organizations working to overcome seemingly insurmountable obstacles. But we also have some pretty savvy entrepreneurs. Our latest foray into capitalistic enterprise has been extremely fruitful allowing us to give bonuses to everybody.
Since Obama's inauguration we have developed and marketed what we call Despot Disposable Diapers to tyrannical regimes throughout the world. We are able to sell them even to nations under sanctions in that this product is considered medical, humaitarian aid.
Here is the usual scenario for which our product fills a dire need. Someone like Hugo Chavez meets with his cadre of sycophants to discuss possible threats from the United States. Since Obama has ascended to the American throne, these meetings soon devolve into giggle-and-guffaw fests causing such abdominal strain that everyone wets themselves. Our disposables are designed to absorb nearly two liters of urine and are highly valued by all attendees to meetings such as this.
Their value is further proven as the meetings progress. As the jingoist jocularity escalates, invariably one of the attendees laughingly states that in 2012 the Americans might even elect Sarah Palin as President. After a brief titter or two, the mood abruptly changes and there occurs a mass bowel evacuation with matching flatulence. Our disposables are designed to absorb and hold nearly 4 kilograms of projectile fecal matter.
And they are biodegradable... good for the Earth... and the children.
And they bring in top dollar to our secret basement laboratory's coffers.