Real Scientists Measure Climate Change

The scientists in our secret basement laboratory have grown quit disturbed at the ineptitude by which the climate data is being collected, manipulated, and forced into an anti-capitalist political agenda. For some time now they have been taking measurements of their own.

Here is a satellite photo of a portion of the data collection:

Early results have shown slight global cooling, but no scientific conclusion can yet be drawn.

Although the global temps have not yet shown to be on the rise, it does appear that the Earth's magma pressure has risen a bit.

(Several Australian readers have contacted me with complaints that the above satellite photo suggests that Australia is the insertion point for the Earth's rectal thermometer. I assured my Aussie friends that this certainly may or may not be the case. I also told them that England was the preferred site, but it proved too uptight, contra-indicating standard insertion. Apparently the upper lip is not the only part of British anatomy that is stiff. Besides, after a couple of beers the Aussies had forgotten what the dispute was about anyway.)

Scientists Study American Hockey Victory

Ilya Somin rejoices on Volokh Conspiracy:

I just watched the US Olympic hockey team defeat Canada 5–3. In view of the disparity in talent between the two teams and the fact that Canada was playing on home ice, this is the greatest US hockey upset since the 1980 Miracle on Ice. As a one-time hockey player and longtime fan, I’m very happy. I fear, however, that the result will cause a lot more pain in hockey-loving Canada than joy in the comparatively apathetic US.

The scientists in our secret basement laboratory set about to find out why the American team was able to pull of such a great victory. They discovered that it was not so much a great American win as a Canadian loss. And, even in that, it could not be attributed to poor play by the Canadians. Our scientists concluded that the Canuck equipment manager was at fault. The science is settled. The American upset is a direct result of the Canadian choice of hockey sticks:

Under a Spreading Chestnut Tree

Steven Malloy of Fox News asked:

Is it really possible to determine the change in global temperatures over the last 1,000 years by examining tree rings?

The East Anglia CRU tree ring evidence to support global warming claims has come under a lot of fire lately.

But if one looks very closely at the evidence presented, one tends to believe what the trees say:

(A real scientist will click on the image for a closer look.)

Our Hero Has Slowed Global Warming

Nobelist, Oscar, Pulitzer, Medal of Honor, and Pillsbury Bake-Off winner, Al Gore pulled into Washington, D.C. on this beautiful, sunny February day. His 'Save the Earth, Stop Global Warming' bus caravan was greeted by tens of thousands of enthusiastic supporters all hoping to catch a glimpse of this planetary hero.